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"If I didn't know any better I'd say you was a regular jackass!"

 

Jerky Boys

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[on being condescended to by a flight attendant] Ma'am, when I got up this morning, I didn't wanna be a jackass...you just pushed my jackass button.

 

Bill Engvall

 

"You know how when a dog is crippled you put his back legs in a wheelchair? I think Willie the Jackass really puts a smile on kids' faces. I drag the ass-end of the costume around the park cause I ain't got nobody to fill that spot. The back legs are crippled." (from "Willie the Jackass")

 

Jerky Boys

 

So what did they do? They solemnly asked Parliament, not to approve or disapprove, but to 'take note' of our decision. Perhaps some of the older ones among you will remember that popular song: 'She didn't say "Yes", she didn't say "No". She didn't say "stay", she didn't say "go". She wanted to climb, but dreaded to fall, she bided her time and clung to the wall.'

 

Harold Macmillan

 

People who worked with me or knew me still called me the "world's fastest human" because I almost never stopped. I'd found that I could get more done with no regular job or regular hours at all, but by being on my own, flying to speak here, help with a public relations campaign for some client there, tape my regular jazz radio show one morning at 5:00 a.m. before leaving on a plane for another city or another continent three hours later to preside over a major sporting event.

 

Jesse Owens

 

I believe that the way in which we should truly live is we should think about what we're going to do, and then not do it. Your boss comes in on Monday and goes, "Hey! You're my go-to guy — I need a report by Friday." You go, "I'll get right on it, chief!" And then you head back to your desk and you put your feet up and you spend the week thinking about it. And then he comes in on Friday and goes, "Where's my report?" And you say, with a big grin on your face, "I didn't do it!" And he goes, "Why not?" and then you say, "Because I didn't want to disappoint you!"

 

Lewis Black