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[about the woman who sued McDonald's because her coffee was too hot] We have trouble convicting people who confess to murder, but this woman is able to take three mil off of McDonald's? If the judge had any common sense, the trial should have gone like this: "Will the defendant please rise? Yeah, it's your fault. You're stupid. Coffee is supposed to be hot. Why didn't you blow on it before you chugged it down like a pledge having his first beer? Get out of my courtroom you stupid, stupid woman. Take your pinstriped parasite lawyer with you. Next case!"

 

Dennis Miller

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I understand when men complain about women giving mixed messages, because women have given me a lot of mixed messages. I understand the rage that this can cause. ... A woman I'm talking with at some event says, "Let's leave here and go to this bar," which is a lesbian bar. We go to the bar and we're talking and then she says, "Let's go have coffee," and we go to this coffee shop and end up, at three in the morning, half a block from her apartment. Finally, she says, "All right, well, goodnight." She's ready to go home alone and I look at her, like, "What do you mean? Aren't we going to go back to your apartment?" "No." "What?" And she says, "Do you think I was leading you on?" Un-f**king-believable. I can't tell you the rage. I am, at that point, looking at her and.... All I can say is, if I had been an 18-year-old street kid instead of a 45-year-old woman, I would have stabbed her. I was completely humiliated and furious. If I had been a guy with a hard-on, I would have hit her.

 

Camille Paglia

 

On the bus going home I heard a most fascinating conversation between an old man and woman. "What a thing, though," the old woman said. "You'd hardly credit it." "She's always made a fuss of the whole family, but never me," the old man said. "Does she have a fire when the young people go to see her?" "Fire?" "She won't get people seeing her without warmth." "I know why she's doing it. Don't think I don't," the old man said. "My sister she said to me, 'I wish I had your easy life.' Now that upset me. I was upset by the way she phrased herself. 'Don't talk to me like that,' I said. 'I've only got to get on the phone and ring a certain number,' I said, 'to have you stopped.'" "Yes," the old woman said, "And you can, can't you?" "Were they always the same?" she said. "When you was a child? Can you throw yourself back? How was they years ago?" "The same," the old man said. "Wicked, isn't it?" the old woman said. "Take care, now" she said, as the old man left her. He didn't say a word but got off the bus looking disgruntled.

 

Joe Orton

 

I didn't marry my wife for looks, and you shouldn't either. In a few years, if her boobs start to sag too much, there's a place you can go to and they'll lift 'em right back up to where they were. And you can point the nipple in any direction. Hell, you can go to a titty bar, pick out a set of titties and say "I want those titties on that woman right there." If she gets too fat and don't wanna work it off, you can get a tummy tuck. They'll give you a belly that looks like a cheerleader. If your eyesight starts to go bad, you can get Lasik surgery and they can give you 20/20 vision at any age. If your hearing starts to fail, they'll put a little device in your ear that makes you hear as good as when you were born. But let me tell you something folks- you can't fix stupid. There's not a pill you can take. There's not a class you can go to. Stupid is fo-evah.

 

Ron White

 

It is disgusting to notice the increase in the quantity of coffee used by my subjects, and the amount of money that goes out of the country as a consequence. Everybody is using coffee; this must be prevented. His Majesty was brought up on beer, and so were both his ancestors and officers. Many battles have been fought and won by soldiers nourished on beer, and the King does not believe that coffee-drinking soldiers can be relied upon to endure hardships in case of another war.

 

Frederick II of Prussia

 

Judy: (to defendant, who took 17 purses and 21 belts from the plaintiff to sell on consignment, and was being sued because the plaintiff never got her money or the merchandise back) Where are they? [referring to merchandise]
Defendant: I couldn't sell them, and...
Judy: So what did you do with them?
Defendant: I threw them away.
Judy: Well then, you're the dumbest thing that I've seen all day! What do you mean, you threw 'em away? You think that I believe that? That's what you wrote in your answer. I said, "I have to see the person who says to me..." [audience laughs] "...that I couldn't sell them so I threw 'em away." You think that I believe that? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
Defendant: I couldn't sell them---
Judy: Why would you want to tell ten million people - how stupid a response that you could make up in your head and expect somebody to believe!!!

 

Judith Sheindlin