Happiness comes in small doses folks. It's a cigarette, or a chocolate chip cookie or a five second orgasm, that's it okay? You come, you eat the cookie, you smoke the butt, you go to sleep you get up in the morning and go to f**king work okay? That is it, end of f**king list!
Denis Leary
Cookie: What are you sad about?
Harry: I'm spiritually bankrupt. I'm empty.
Cookie: What do you mean?
Harry: I'm frightened. I got no soul, you know what I mean? Let me put it this way: when I was younger it was less scary waiting for Lefty than it is waiting for Godot.
Cookie: You lost me!
Harry: You know that the universe is coming apart? You know about that? You know what a black hole is?
Cookie: Yeah. That's how I make my living.Woody Allen
Look at the past 25 years -- we went downhill, and if people don't realize it, they don't have their f**king eyes on. In 1960, when I came out of prison as an ex-convict, I had more freedom under parolee supervision than there's available to an average citizen in America right now. I mean, there was nobody going to throw you down on the side of the road spread-eagled, and look up your butt for a f**king marijuana cigarette. God almighty, what have we done to each other?
Merle Haggard
Oh, San Francisco! My 3rd favorite place to do comedy in. That's not bad, right? Top ten. More butt-f**king per square foot than any other place in the world, that's you guys. [Audience cheers] Put that on your postcards. "San Fransisco: More butt-f**king per square foot. Miss you."
Daniel Tosh
Leary, Denis
Leary, Timothy
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