"During my nine-day visit with the Biaviians aboard the great mothership, I managed to, uh, get some Polaroid shots of the, uhhh, ships uhhhh, in broad daylight. These are smart bugs, five feet tall. However, when you learn the potential magnitude of their power coupled with the deductive scope of their reasoning, you are given cause, on occasion, for apprehension. The aliens said some people think they are gods and I told them listen man, you're no god! Not with that big Elmer Fudd head! I said, 'Tan (O-Qua Tangin Wann), if you like Stevie Wonder so much, why don't you cruise by his crib and zap him some eye balls?"
Riley Martin
"You're not gods 'cause for one thing... God ain't got no big head like Elmer Fudd." (to aliens)
Riley Martin
You ever see tape of the Kehoe brothers from Ohio, those two guys that get out of that white Suburban, it's been on COPS a few times? Those guys, folks, have a shootout with the police, at point...blank...range—nobody gets hurt. I would love to have been at that office the next day when that guy's being interviewed by the police. "And then what happened?" "Well, at that point, I unloaded my semi-automatic 9 millimeter weapon at point blank range." "And then what happened?" "They...left." Nice shooting, Elmer Fudd. There was a kid in Detroit a few years ago, shot 8 bullets, hit 9 people. These cops fired 22 shots, didn't even hit the f**kin' Suburban!
Ron White
Polaroid is warning customers not to listen to the part of the Outkast song Hey Ya! that tells people to "shake it like a Polaroid picture", because that could actually ruin the pictures. In a related story, Bacardi is warning shorties to be responsible and not “sip Bacardi like it’s Dey birfday."
Tina Fey
"Chocolate candy! Uhhh, oatmeal cookies, oatmeal cookies! Soda pop! Orange soda pop! And we be eatin' like dogs, man. For a while, anyway." (talking about the wonders on board the Great Mothership)
Riley Martin
I'm a lousy piece of ass, and I should know every man I have been with has told me so, I've been there almost every time. I mean, the closest thing I got to a birds and bees talk was with my dad. He was like, "Son, sex is a lot like this egg." "Dad, I think those are drugs." "Whatever, queer." "Why does everyone keep saying that?" "Listen up, son, listen good. You take a woman and crack her over the head and lie her flat. Make sure she sizzles and then flip her over. Don't stand too close or you'll get yellow stuff all over your bacon" What? I see some of you holding your stomach and feeling: "No, you shouldn't." That's a breakfast joke. That's the most important joke of the day. If you don't laugh at that, you're gonna be sleepy around 11:30. And you'll be like, "Why am I so tired?"
Daniel Tosh
Martin, Riley
Martin, Steve
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