Zach Galifianakis
Greek-American comedian, actor and writer.
That was some really great "fatcting".
I dream of moving to India, or Pakistan, and becoming a cabdriver.
I dream of starting a three-man country trio called the Chixie Dicks.
I'm going to do all new, fresh material...you guys been keeping up with this O.J. thing?
Growing up my dad was like "Zach, you have a great last name: Galifianakis, Galifianakis. Begins with a 'gal', ends with a 'kiss'". I'm like "That's great, Dad. Can we get it changed to 'Galifiana-fuck' please?"
Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."
I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.
The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.
I call my balls the bush twins.
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
I was named after my grand dad. Yes, my full name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
I failed kindergarden because I couldn't spell my last name.
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. I would write about it in my "dairy."
If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love them. They're exactly... well, they're not exactly alike, but they're a little bit alike.
When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese.
This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"
You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman)
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.