Zach Galifianakis
Greek-American comedian, actor and writer.
I failed kindergarden because I couldn't spell my last name.
I want to combine the NAACP with Mothers Against Drunk Driving. It's called Mothers Against the Advancement of Colored People.
The Forgetful Vegan: Man that sure was some good pepperoni pi-Oh Fuck!
The only time it's ok to yell out 'I have diarrhea' is when you're playing Scrabble...because it's worth a shitload of points.
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are so very mean.
You shaved your head for V For Vendetta. Did you also shave your V for Vagina? (to Natalie Portman)
This is my impression of a Southern woman. "Tsk, I am so mad at the Taliban right now!"
When you look like I do, it's hard to get a table for one at Chuck E Cheese.
If you love Barry Manilow, you're gonna love the Insane Clown Posse. Love them. They're exactly... well, they're not exactly alike, but they're a little bit alike.
When I was a kid, I had dyslexia. I would write about it in my "dairy."
My girlfriend looks a little like Charlize Theron...and a lot like Patrick Ewing.
That was some really great "fatcting".
At what age do you think it's appropriate to tell a highway it's adopted?
I was named after my grand dad. Yes, my full name is Zach Granddad Galifianakis.
Did you ever wake up with an erection...and then you realize you're just in a massage chair at Brookstone? And you yell to the sales clerk "I'll take it!"
I call my balls the bush twins.
The only good time to say I have diarrhea is during a game of Scrabble, because it's worth a shitload of points.
I wear a lot of Axe body spray, but I live in a black neighborhood. Over there, they call it Ask body spray. If you don't get that joke, then you're not racist.
Whenever I'm with a woman I whisper softly into her ear, "Will you touch my vagina...?" and she's like, "What!?" and I'm like, "That's what you're supposed to say."
Growing up my dad was like "Zach, you have a great last name: Galifianakis, Galifianakis. Begins with a 'gal', ends with a 'kiss'". I'm like "That's great, Dad. Can we get it changed to 'Galifiana-fuck' please?"