Scott Adams
American cartoonist and satirist, best known for his Dilbert series of comic strips and books.
If there is one thing that our role models in this election have taught us, it's that omitting important information is completely different from lying.
Creativity is allowing oneself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.
We know the goats are imported because they don’t speak English.
Biblical scholars tell us that this is the same meal that Jesus ate at the last supper. But hey, I’m sure you have a good reason for ordering something else.
Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
There’s nothing more humbling than seeing your best quotes in a list, and thinking they could have been written by a coma patient with a keyboard and spasms.
As you know, the best way to solve a problem is to identify the core belief that causes the problem; then mock that belief until the people who hold it insist that you heard them wrong.
If our mushrooms make you hallucinate, please inform us immediately so we can overcharge you.
Remember there’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.
Ask a deeply religious Christian if he’d rather live next to a bearded Muslim that may or may not be plotting a terror attack, or an atheist that may or may not show him how to set up a wireless network in his house. On the scale of prejudice, atheists don’t seem so bad lately.
We smoke the bacon so you don’t have to.
Just because no one has ever gotten better from Spasmodic Dysphonia before doesn't mean I can't be the first.
People are so conditioned to take sides that a balanced analysis looks to them like hatred.
Our scallops are so delicious your mouth will thank you, which is creepy because your mouth can actually talk.
Our salmon sandwiches are so good you’ll want to swim upstream to our kitchen and spawn. But please don’t.
If you have questions about this salad, give your server the spinach inquisition.
We use only the finest days of the week in this dish.
The world isn't fair, but as long as it's tilting in my direction I find that there's a natural cap to my righteous indignation.