Russell Brand

"Could you imagine a wand that was not camp? Could you imagine, for example, Ray Winstone, with a wand? (Impersonating him) 'RIGHT OK. IT'S A KIND OF MAGIC, SIT DOWN.' "

(after Noel Fielding has written "peep scarf" to describe a piece of muslim apparel) That's its proper name!

so when I was staying with him, he went 'alright, okay, so what time do you go to bed then?' and I thought 'fucking hell! he doesn't know what he's doing!! SHIIIIIIT!!' I went 'oooh, about, 10 oclock?', 'ah yeah, alright then'. YEEEES!! it's like the same feeling that as an adult I would get walking through customs with heroin in my bottom. 'I'm getting away with iiiiit!

I'm genuinely and actually a bit like Jesus.

Matt Morgan: [To Russell] How have you developed pectoral muscles when you barely do anything for yourself?

BNP Member: I am proud to be white, and I am proud to be British.
Brand: But you should find other things to be proud of mate.

[On chat-up lines]
Well, stick around love, cos I've got worse. The worst being, simply, "Get in the van."

I love the BBC, it's a gorgeous organisation and it's just 'cos it's got vaguely socialist state-run tendencies that people like bloody old Rupert Murdoch coat it off in the Sun, and it's gotta stop!

BNP Member: Listen, you told us that you wanted to come up here to make a politically neutral documentary.
Russell Brand: No, I can't be neutral mate it's too important, I'm not going to let you destroy my fucking planet!

So by being offended you've sorta acknowledged that you are thick, and none of us are, so we're all back on speaking terms!

You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!

Matt Morgan: Have you been thinking about your religion/new order?
Russell Brand: Yes I have actually Matt, and I've got a few more theories for it to make it absolutely watertight. We'll all be living on a nice island, vegetarians doing yoga and that. We'll get rid of ideas such as the nuclear family and like in African tribes the word 'mother' will mean all female members of the tribe and the word 'father' will mean all male members. There will be a lot of [wolf whistles] ... and also we're not going to have no more currency, stuff like that, no brain-bending or mind-washing and we'll all be free to explore ourselves although there will be an age of consent and it'll be the same as usual so as people don't go 'Oh no...'.
Matt Morgan: Pretty watertight, isn't it?
Russell Brand: Pretty watertight so far Matt, I'd like to see a political theorist drive a bus through that. If so where did he get his licence? As we're in charge of issuing bus licences and they're not issued to possible dissenters, who are immediately killed on traitor's cove; one of the nicest parts of our island, decorated with all lovely corpses.

I believe Finland's economy is based on Moomin juice.

I don't like doing anything that makes you sweat if you don't come at the end of it.

Some people, I think they're called racists, say America is not ready for a black president. But, I know America to be a forward-thinking country, right, because otherwise, you know, would you have let that retarded cowboy fella be president for eight years? We were very impressed. We thought it was nice of you to let him have a go, because, in England, he wouldn't be trusted with a pair of scissors.

The first time Tim Westwood did that chestbump to me, I ended up sort of cuddling his arm.

That's what keeps me alive, perversion and star quality.

[On a fabricated tabloid story]
The Neptunian underworld king unleashed a barrage of eels from his abdomen and each of the eels was carrying a zippo lighter and as they flew by they spelt across the sky in fire 'Tara can a borrow your eyeliner please?' If you're gonna make stuff up go mental!

I keep hearing in my head "you are the Messiah, you are the Messiah". I think there's something wrong with my headphones.

I've looked right through the Bible, start to finish, looking for the bit saying 'Jesus was the mind behind Ikea', then there's no evidence to suggest this at all.