Larry the Cable Guy
Better known by the stage name Larry the Cable Guy, is an American stand-up comedian and actor.
I got so pissed I took a little poll to see if anyone was sick of gettin' taxed as much as I am. I called 100 people one night and here's the results: everyone I polled said, "You dumb ass, it's three o'clock in the morning!"
Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritches!
I'll tell ya the one thing you don't wanna buy at the dollar store - toilet paper. (laughs) I might as well have just used the dollar.
Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?
Do you get so drunk you hump a cupholder?
My mom went to that same doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think, alright. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.
I love to hunt, man. Went hunting once near a nuclear power plant and got myself a 34-point rabbit. We usually go there at night, cause all the critters glow in the dark!
You can always tell when gas is really expensive, cause you'll see street gangs doing walk-bys.
She was worried about the pregnancy cause she's little. She says, "When I have this baby, I want to be knocked out and unconscious." and I'm like "That's how ya were when you got pregnant!" But I did feel sorry for her, just pushing, and sweating, and screaming at the top of her lungs, and pushing... Now she knows how I feel after a couple of Hot Pockets! You ever have those Hot Pockets? She's in the bed there, (Grunting) I'm on the toilet next to her, (grunting) "I need another Epidural in here if you got one!"
[M]y buddy Ron (Tater Salad) White talks about drinking my dip cup accidentally to swallow some aspirin. I was there when it happened and laughed my ass off. Was he amused? Of course not, but since it wasn't me drinkin' week-old Skoal spit it was downright comical!
(intro) Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'.
We always have a tradition at our family reunion, we always have the family tug-of-war, and this year it was my dad's side of the family against my sister-in-law. She wins every year! I swear, she runs on diesel. That's a fat bastard, right there! She went on a diet one time, Little Debbie laid off 500 employees. Last Halloween, she dressed in white, came as a blizzard.
A friend of mine went fishing and caught a rainbow trout, but he threw it back 'cause he said he didn't want a gay fish.
A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there, I'm not sure) offered a gun and horse to anyone that would join the Confederacy in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a break. He had Alzheimer's and thought he was Jefferson Davis.
I was madder then a mosquito in a mannequin factory.
Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run around your house, lookit at yourself in the mirror, and say, "Oh, hey there, I'm Roseanne!" You know, like on the Rosie O'Fatass show.
This lady's suin' everybody in the whole friggin' county! She's like-- she's like, "My husband got his leg bit by a shark and no one jumped in and saved him!" No shit, lady! It's a friggin' shark! Get off your fat ass and save him! That's jus' like asking a retard to go out and beat up Jackie Chan! Well, the waterhead's gonna get his ass kicked! I tell ya, put that shark out in the parking lot of Walmart, I'll kick the shit outa him! I'll beat him silly all day long!
OJ isn't going to jail — he just changed his name to BJ.
Actually, you can make pretty good cash on stage without being a comedian or a stripper. My brother once won a talent contest by fartin' the song "Dixie" through an oil funnel. He not only took home 500 bucks, he got to meet Regis after the show. Who says dreams don't come true?
A buddy of mine was mad at his son the other day 'cause he got caught having sex with his teacher. I thought, "Hey, that's pretty cool!" Problem was, he was home-schooled.