Larry the Cable Guy
Better known by the stage name Larry the Cable Guy, is an American stand-up comedian and actor.
We always have a tradition at our family reunion, we always have the family tug-of-war, and this year it was my dad's side of the family against my sister-in-law. She wins every year! I swear, she runs on diesel. That's a fat bastard, right there! She went on a diet one time, Little Debbie laid off 500 employees. Last Halloween, she dressed in white, came as a blizzard.
(intro) Well, here we go. This is the first book I've written since 1975, when I was in the 7th grade and wrote Boogers Are Good Eatin'.
[M]y buddy Ron (Tater Salad) White talks about drinking my dip cup accidentally to swallow some aspirin. I was there when it happened and laughed my ass off. Was he amused? Of course not, but since it wasn't me drinkin' week-old Skoal spit it was downright comical!
She was worried about the pregnancy cause she's little. She says, "When I have this baby, I want to be knocked out and unconscious." and I'm like "That's how ya were when you got pregnant!" But I did feel sorry for her, just pushing, and sweating, and screaming at the top of her lungs, and pushing... Now she knows how I feel after a couple of Hot Pockets! You ever have those Hot Pockets? She's in the bed there, (Grunting) I'm on the toilet next to her, (grunting) "I need another Epidural in here if you got one!"
You can always tell when gas is really expensive, cause you'll see street gangs doing walk-bys.
I love to hunt, man. Went hunting once near a nuclear power plant and got myself a 34-point rabbit. We usually go there at night, cause all the critters glow in the dark!
My mom went to that same doctor and got a butt lift. It's a little too lifted, I think, alright. Now every time she farts only dogs can hear it.
Do you get so drunk you hump a cupholder?
Did you know that when a baby poops its diaper, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled up newspaper?
I'll tell ya the one thing you don't wanna buy at the dollar store - toilet paper. (laughs) I might as well have just used the dollar.
Boy I tell you what, if I were a girl, I'd never shave! I'd look like I'm smuggling around Chewbacca in my underbritches!