Larry the Cable Guy
Better known by the stage name Larry the Cable Guy, is an American stand-up comedian and actor.
Oh like you never did that before! Every man - every man has done this! Just tuck your weiner between your legs, run around your house, lookit at yourself in the mirror, and say, "Oh, hey there, I'm Roseanne!" You know, like on the Rosie O'Fatass show.
[In reference to Playstation Football] Here's an idea! Why don't they make a button that says frickin' "pass"!
I went to the Talladega 500 with a girl I had just met. She was very sweet with childlike qualities. No titties!
I didn't even know [my wife] was pregnant at first, cause I'd gotten used to her throwing up everytime we had sex...
[about Fruit of the Loom] What does fruit have to do with underwear? Except I guess when you pull your underwear down you go, "Oh, I should've eaten more fruit."
Have you noticed lately how video games are getting way more sexually explicit and violent? I really gotta buy me one of them games!
Then there's a feller who got hit by a train! How the - how the heck do y'get hit by a train! I mean it's not like it'll jump up and attack ya at the last minute or nothin'! There's, like, a railroad there to give ya, y'know, a heads up sign! I tell ya, if you ever gonna get hit by a train, do this: [steps to side] TA-DA! There ya go! Attaboy!
Ever order breakfast at Denny's, and then you go to the bathroom and yer in there so long you gotta order lunch from the stool?
That show Biggest Loser is a dumb show. If I wanted to see fat people struggle with their weight, I'd go to my family reunion!
I like Halloween, you people like Halloween? [Audience cheers] I love it, too. My brother got in trouble last Halloween for toilet-papering people's houses. He said, "Dude, I didn't know that was illegal!" I said, "It ain't, but you are supposed to use fresh toilet paper. Pull your pants up and stop pooping in those pumpkins, too! For God's sake, you're the sheriff!"
That was scarier than Richard Simmons chasin' after you with a box of rubbers!
I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, "Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!"
A buddy of mine was mad at his son the other day 'cause he got caught having sex with his teacher. I thought, "Hey, that's pretty cool!" Problem was, he was home-schooled.
Actually, you can make pretty good cash on stage without being a comedian or a stripper. My brother once won a talent contest by fartin' the song "Dixie" through an oil funnel. He not only took home 500 bucks, he got to meet Regis after the show. Who says dreams don't come true?
OJ isn't going to jail — he just changed his name to BJ.
This lady's suin' everybody in the whole friggin' county! She's like-- she's like, "My husband got his leg bit by a shark and no one jumped in and saved him!" No shit, lady! It's a friggin' shark! Get off your fat ass and save him! That's jus' like asking a retard to go out and beat up Jackie Chan! Well, the waterhead's gonna get his ass kicked! I tell ya, put that shark out in the parking lot of Walmart, I'll kick the shit outa him! I'll beat him silly all day long!
I got so pissed I took a little poll to see if anyone was sick of gettin' taxed as much as I am. I called 100 people one night and here's the results: everyone I polled said, "You dumb ass, it's three o'clock in the morning!"
I was madder then a mosquito in a mannequin factory.
A great-great grandpa (there might be another great in there, I'm not sure) offered a gun and horse to anyone that would join the Confederacy in '64. Who cares if it was 1964. Give the guy a break. He had Alzheimer's and thought he was Jefferson Davis.
A friend of mine went fishing and caught a rainbow trout, but he threw it back 'cause he said he didn't want a gay fish.