Joe Orton

Prentice: I'm not mad. It only looks that way.
Rance: Your actions today would get the Archbishop of Canterbury declared non-compos.
Prentice: I'm not the Archbishop of Canterbury.
Rance: That will come at a later stage of your illness.

Prentice: It's ridiculous. I'm a married man.
Match: Marriage excuses no one the freaks' roll-call.

On the bus going home I heard a most fascinating conversation between an old man and woman. "What a thing, though," the old woman said. "You'd hardly credit it." "She's always made a fuss of the whole family, but never me," the old man said. "Does she have a fire when the young people go to see her?" "Fire?" "She won't get people seeing her without warmth." "I know why she's doing it. Don't think I don't," the old man said. "My sister she said to me, 'I wish I had your easy life.' Now that upset me. I was upset by the way she phrased herself. 'Don't talk to me like that,' I said. 'I've only got to get on the phone and ring a certain number,' I said, 'to have you stopped.'" "Yes," the old woman said, "And you can, can't you?" "Were they always the same?" she said. "When you was a child? Can you throw yourself back? How was they years ago?" "The same," the old man said. "Wicked, isn't it?" the old woman said. "Take care, now" she said, as the old man left her. He didn't say a word but got off the bus looking disgruntled.

Dennis: She's turned me down. She's broken my heart.
Hal: She doesn't know what she is missing, baby.
Dennis: But she does! That's what's so humiliating.

Fay: The priest at St Kilda's has asked me to speak to you. He's very worried. He says you spend your time thieving from slot machines and deflowering the daughters of better men than yourself. Is this a fact?
Hal: Yes.
Fay: And even the sex you were born into isn't safe from your marauding. Father Mac is popular for the remission of sins, as you know. But clearing up after you is a full-time job. He simply cannot be in the confessional twenty-four hours a day. That's reasonable, isn't it? You do see his point?

Fay: Have you known him long?
Hal: We shared the same cradle.
Fay: Was that economy or malpractice?
Hal: We were too young then to practice and economics still defeat us.

Geraldine: I'm quite sane!
Rance: Pull yourself together. Why have you been certified if you're sane? Even for a madwoman you're unusually dense.

Rance: How shocking! His abnormal condition has driven him to seek refuge in religion. Always the last ditch stand of a man on the brink of disaster.

Rance: A search party must be organized. What have you in the way of dogs?
Prentice: A spaniel and a miniature poodle.
Rance: Let them be unleashed!

Prentice: What this young woman claims is a tissue of lies.
Match: This is a boy, sir. Not a girl. If you're baffled by the difference it might be as well to approach both with caution.

Truscott: Why aren't you both at the funeral? I thought you were mourners.
Fay: We decided not to go. We were afraid we might break down.
Truscott: That's a selfish attitude to take. The dead can't bury themselves, you know.

Truscott: How dare you involve me in a situation for which no memo has been issued.

Fay: Have you given a thought to the priest?
Truscott: We can't have him in on it, miss. Our percentage wouldn't be worth having.
Fay: Mr McLeavy threatened to expose us.
Truscott: I've been exposed before.
Fay: What happened?
Truscott: I arrested the man. He's doing twelve years.

Rance: You may speak freely in front of me. I represent Her Majesty's Government. Your immediate superiors in madness. I'm from the Commissioners.
Prentice: Which branch?
Rance: The mental branch.
Prentice: Do you cover asylums proper? Or just houses of tentative madness?
Rance: My brief is infinite. I'd have sway over a rabbit hutch if the inmates were mentally disturbed.

Geraldine: I've no idea who my father was.
Prentice: I'd better be frank, Miss Barclay. I can't employ you if you're in any way miraculous. It would be contrary to established practice. You did have a father?
Geraldine: Oh, I'm sure I did. My mother was frugal in her habits, but she'd never economize unwisely.

Mrs Prentice: You put me in an impossible position.
Nick: No position is impossible when you're young and healthy.

Geraldine: At least give me back my clothes. I feel naked without them.

Rance: Were your relations with your secretary normal?
Prentice: Yes.
Rance: Well, Prentice, your private life is your own affair. I find it shocking none the less.

Fay: What will you do when you're old?
Hal: I shall die.
Fay: I see you're determined to run the gamut of all experience.

Prentice: My nerves are on edge.
Rance: You should consult a qualified psychiatrist.
Prentice: I am a qualified psychiatrist.
Rance: You're a fool. That isn't quite the same thing. Though, in your case, the two may have much in common.