Fran Lebowitz
American journalist.
All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive — you are leaking.
I understand, of course, that many people find smoking objectionable. That is their right. I would, I assure you, be the very last to criticize the annoyed. I myself find many-- even most-- things objectionable. Being offended is the natural consequence of leaving one's home. I do not like aftershave lotion, adults who roller-skate, children who speak French, or anyone who is unduly tan. I do not, however, go around enacting legislation and putting up signs. In private I avoid such people; in public they have the run of the place. I stay at home as much as possible, and so should they. When it is necessary, however, to go out of the house, they must be prepared, as I am, to deal with the unpleasant personal habits of others. That is what "public" means.
Think before you speak. Read before you think. This will give you something to think about that you didn't make up yourself - a wise move at any age, but most especially at seventeen, when you are in the greatest danger of coming to annoying conclusions.
Rome is a very loony city in every respect. One needs but spend an hour or two there to realize that Fellini makes documentaries.
Children do not really need money. After all, they don't have to pay rent or send mailgrams.
Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
Take away a man’s actual sense of manhood — which is conventionally based on the ability to work, to earn money, to be self-sufficient, to provide for children — and you’ve got to give them something else. And they did.
Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publication.
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child. What happens to these children, you wonder, when they reach adulthood?
Women who insist on having the same options as men would do well to consider the option of being the strong, silent type.
No animal should ever jump up on the dining room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
"In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism. In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy."
Do not elicit your child's political opinions. He doesn't know any more than you do.
Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
Any child who cannot do long division by himself does not deserve to smoke.
Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no longer be fantasies.
I doubt there’s ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not.
Bread that must be sliced with an ax is bread that is too nourishing.