Denis Leary
Irish-American actor, comedian, writer and director.
'Cause in my church, when it comes to healing, you know how Benny Hinn lays his hands on a supposedly blind person, then when he takes his hands off, the guy can see? Here's how we do it in my church. You're a pothead? Guess what...you're STILL a fucking pothead!
Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.
Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every INCH of your shit, pal!
We didn't have rehab back in the Seventies. Back in the Seventies, rehab meant you stopped doing coke, but you kept smoking pot and drinking for a couple more weeks.
...and there aint a goddamn thing anybody can do about it, you know why? Because we've got the bombs! That's why, yeah! Two words: NUCLEAR FUCKIN' WEAPONS! OK?!
The people you would have overdose on drugs never would. Like Mötley Crüe would never fucking overdose, man, never. You could put them in a room with two tons of crack, they'd come out half an hour later, goin "ROCK ON MAN!"
Ted Kennedy, a good senator but a bad date you know what I mean? "What'd I forget? Goddamit the fuckin' girl! Jesus Christ where are my pants?"
(talking about Marv Albert) Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv. This is God, what the HELL were you thinking?!?
(talking about The Lord Of The Dance) Have you seen that show? If you have, GET OUT! Get the hell out of my show right now!
That's a great story that people like to latch onto...Very quickly we got New York club owners saying, 'You guys are too alike,' while Bill and I were saying, 'What are they fucking talking about?' It's the same approach to the subject maybe, but it's not the same act...But as I've said many times, a fable is sometimes better than the truth.
I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?
And there's no more magic, no more burning bushes or [the virgin Mary appearing on] blueberry muffins. You screw up this time, the virgin mother shows up in your driveway like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas, she pistol whips ya, and then she sets your dick on fire, OK?
Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!
You're 18 years old, you're in a 7-11, you don't know shit about shit and PULL UP YOUR PANTS!
Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.
"I'm just not happy, I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy because my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would." Hey, join the fucking club! I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox. Life sucks, get a fucking helmet! Alright?
NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil! We love you, you giant fucking "Q"!
Thou shalt not? Fuck that, thou fucking shall!
I'm high as a kite and my teeth are green, merry fucking Christmas!