Dave Attell
Stand-up comedian.
Pre-mature ejaculation. Let’s talk about it. Pre-mature ejaculation. That’s a pretty fancy term for, “Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before.”
She was drunk so I took her back to my place and we did it doggy style, not because we planned it that way, but that's just how she passed out.
People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C’mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me “Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?” I’m like, I’m just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says ‘One Cock at a Time.’"
Eggnog, who thought that one up? "I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes." You know what eggnog really is. You're not gonna want to hear it, but I'll tell ya. It's elf cum. You might as well pour it down your back and slap your self on the ass.
You should've hung out, man.
Is she crazy, like it says on her bracelet, or is she just looking at my sheets? I dunno!
(talking about how girls like mystery) Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.
Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. “Oh look, oh look there’s still more room! Ha Ha Ha! We could tie it off and use it again and again. Cause you’ve got a small penis; and I know, cause I work with children.”
The sun comes up and so does your dick. Cause at heart your dick’s a farmer!
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.
They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!"
Everyone was laughin’. Even that deaf mute boy was breathing heavy and pointing at me. Which is laughter to their kind.
Some things are the same wherever you go. Like, if it feels like more than two fingers, it's probably a dick.
I'm drinking Jack and I started blackin out. You ever black out? Or as I call it, time travel? You ever do that? Oh yeah! You know how it is -- you're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in another bar. You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're playing that knife game with a half-Indian somewhere in North Dakota, "Yeah! Yeah! Winner fixes the tranny! Yeah". You're drinking, you black out. You wake up, you're in White Castle -- working there 3 years, STILL not assistant manager. Your buddies tell you to quit, but you can't 'cause you're banging the slow girl on the fry-o-later. They say she's a little retarded, but those titties ain't retarded!
I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is super-hot, you should be able to fuck one time.
Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, “Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?”
This one guy, the worse guy in the music. The Yanni man. You know Yanni? First of all, anyone who looks like a magician and doesn't do magic, I don't like. I don't even like magic, I hate it. But I love the word, "Ta-da"! I love that word! I don't get to say it, right? I never do any magic. You just cant go around walking, "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" "Ta-da!" The only time I can say it is when I do something really stupid or surprising. Like if I go out all night drinking and hitting strip clubs and I come home and I still got some money .... "Ta---da!" I thought I was broke. Why does my jaw hurt?
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.
Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.