Craig Ferguson
Scottish-born actor/comedian and current host of The Late Late Show.
Just a warning: If you're a bunch of sexy teenagers at a lake where other sexy teenagers were killed 30 years ago, leave! The guy in the forest with a hockey mask... maybe doesn't play hockey.
Kids: If a bear is wearing a ranger hat, it's because he ate the ranger!
Sounds like a party at Elton John's house.
"Laughter separates us from despair and gives us a chance at love."
I did have a love for literature that overpowered my hatred of the people who taught it, and I think because I had no respect for the teachers, their attitude didn’t poison the writing that I was discovering for myself.
That’s the thing about terrorism – it works. Especially for the terrorists – they might not get what they want but it feels damn good trying.
Welcome back, my naughty donkeys.
As a vulgar lounge entertainer, my business relies on ridiculous stereotypes! If these people start using deodorant, I might as well just go home!
I'm TV's Craig Ferguson, please sit down relax and: "take off your pants"; "dip your hand into a bowl of warm water and fall fast asleep"; etc.
[to camera] Excuse me for just a second. [walks off-camera, to studio audience] Shut up!
I enjoy bathing, as many Europeans don't.
Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
By the way, _____ was the name of a movie I accidentally watched in a hotel room twenty or thirty times.
You don't say 'we're suspending the campaign'! You can't say that! We didn't sus-, you can't, it's the democratic process! We didn't suspend it for 9/11, we didn't suspend it for Pearl Harbor, we didn't suspend it for the Nazis, we didn't suspend it for the damn British! We don't do that in America! We don't! There's no suspending the campaign! Democracy first! First, first, first! First! Democracy, FIRST!
Like most sharks, Margaret liked to think of herself as a victim of the cruel sea.
Being funny is a gift, and, when done well, is an art form.
Welcome back, my naughty penguins.
Evil does not question itself. Only Hope questions itself.
[to Rupert Grint] Look at the great city of LA stretched out in front of you, son: there's dangerous people living in that cardboard backdrop.