Brian Clevinger
Author of the webcomic 8-Bit Theater, he comic miniseries Atomic Robo, and the novel Nuklear Age.
"Dammit, Skittles bag. How can you call yourself a rainbow of flavors when you're all green? They do this to oppress us, you know. He who controls the Skittle, controls the means of production. They know no one needs that many greens. Even if you like green, you can't like it that much. One day, Skittles, one day soon, there will be a reckoning. To each according to his ability, to each according to his red flavor need."
Japan, You're weird. We get it.
"[Sony's] sheer dedication to unbridled optimism for the PS3 is amazing. Really. If scientists could find a way to harness that energy, it'd be the next revolutionary industry to be shut down by Big Oil."
"LA is a hole where everything good goes to die. Every year I come here, it's like a contest to see how short I can cut the trip for the next year. Eventually I'm just going to run inside, take a picture, and fly home. The next year I'll just rent some time on a satellite and get pics from orbit. But everything is shiny."
"X-Men Legends 2, it would be so much easier to enjoy you if your characters would ever shut up."
"I'm so physically deficient that the act of sleep injures me. It's like I disprove evolution and intelligent design at once."
"I ate soup from a bowl made of bread. This is the kind of heady decadance that will be detailed in the webcomic history books. My decline into soupy madness will be but a footnote of the 8BT story, itself a footnote. But the bread, man. You can eat your soup, and then eat the bowl. There's no turning back now. A decent life in the light of, uh, decency is behind me. Now it's wall-to-wall bread bowls and hookers."
"Sorry about the delay. We were having unholy connection problems of the damned. But things seem to be working fine now."
"You'll pardon me for being quick, but at this very moment brownies are coming into their ultimate form. Well, penultimate form, really. Let's not dwell on what happens afterward, or I'll lose my appetite."
"It occurs to me that I really need a picture of Patrick Stewart as Captain Picard driving Optimus Prime through space. I would follow either of them into the gates of hell without question or hesitation."
"I love my PSP in theory. It confuses me that developers seem determined to destroy it. I believe its sheer sexiness terrifies them and, just maybe, causes them to doubt their own biologically oriented sexuality. To paraphrase a Bluth, "It's got a screen you could hump, Mikey."
"Florida weather is like living with a schizophreniac. Its mood is a fractured thing; it believes in real and unreal circumstances equally; and you're never quite sure if it'll come through with its share of the rent."
"Do you know what I need? A hammer built out of a starship. It just seems practical. Something like that would have dozens of uses around the home. All of them needlessly apocolyptic, probably, but when you've got a doom hammer, every problem is meaningless once the interstellar dust settles."
(referring to people in favor of commercializing the Internet)"I suppose their thinking is that since ideas can be dangerous, there should be limits on which ideas are expressed. Which is only the foundation of fascism. Thanks, government!"
"Sorry, I can't hear you over all the fun you weren't having while I was at E3 having fun."
"[...]is there a contest between developers to see who can make the most irresistable game for Brian? I'm trying to get some work done here!"
(referring to a broken sign displayed at a fireworks stand)"It says FIRE ORKS. And the arrow on this particular sign points down a twisting dirt road that is quickly engulfed in a darkened forest. I really need to get around to vandalizing that sign. Maybe adding something like "This way lies doom" to the bottom."
"I’m still not sure what went wrong with the site, so I’ll just do what I always do in these situations and assume it was a causality casualty from war with an alternate timeline. Rolling with that assumption on all of life’s little problems can give you a terrific perspective on things. Y’know? “Augh, fuck. It’s raining!” becomes, “Huh, it’s raining,” and then with a bemused nod, “Typical 31st century Mega-Etruscan tactic. ”And then when your friends look at you weird, you can give them a pitying gaze, clutch their heads to your bosom, and lament that they too have been affected by the wars. Something like, “Oh, you poor dear. You’ve no memory of what never shall be.” I don’t have many friends anymore. Not since the war took them."
"Typing up a detailed news post at this moment would not further the goals of my great society. Stay tuned for ideological update."
(after describing all the negligent drivers he encountered that day)"So let's hope I was a quantum magnet for all bad luck on Earth and the rest of you are able to stay safe tonight as a result."