Brian Clevinger
Author of the webcomic 8-Bit Theater, he comic miniseries Atomic Robo, and the novel Nuklear Age.
"Sorry, I can't hear you over all the fun you weren't having while I was at E3 having fun."
"Also, I love my google ads. I have no idea if I make a dime off them, and in fact would pay to have them for what they add to the overall nuklearpower.com experience. Case in point: I just saw an ad for "Rodent Supplies." The obvious question now is, "How do I plug those damn google ad things into Photoshop so I can retire while the comic factory pumps out comedy gold three times a week?""
"I believe that there are things which humanity will never fully understand, for in the understanding of them, we will no longer be "human." One of these things is the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser. I don't know how it works, and I don't want to know. It's a big universe and even with our limited understanding of it, it's pretty clear that the universe is in no way equipped to keep up with the bureaucracy of its particles and/or strings. There are things lurking in the dark, unwatched, unguarded recesses of reality. Things as beyond you or I as we are beyond an amoeba. It is quite obvious that Mr. Clean Magic Erasers draw their power from these unknowable horrors. They probably found it in the core of a meteor still half buried in the Earth, hideously pulsing with a light not unlike the color of blood and hate. So use your Magic Erasers while you still can, before they run out of meteor or they discover it causes cervical cancer or testicular cancer in men and women respectively."
"My car has a new fortress. It will scoff at the hurricanes this year. Scoff like unto a scoffing machine."
"If you travel, do it smart. I need as many of you alive to buy as many things as possible. It's a cycle, you see, shaped like a pyramid."
"Today [July 4] is the day that we, as Americans, celebrate our Independence Day from the aliens who invaded our world, presumably for conquest of some kind. Or that's my understanding at least, as I cannot read."
(discussing how long he has been playing a particular game)"I thought it's only been three days. Hard to tell without sunlight."
"As you may have noticed, a hurricane didn't kill me yesterday. I will celebrate my continued life with some ice cream this afternoon."
"Anyone got a few million they wanna throw away invest?"
(after describing all the negligent drivers he encountered that day)"So let's hope I was a quantum magnet for all bad luck on Earth and the rest of you are able to stay safe tonight as a result."
"Typing up a detailed news post at this moment would not further the goals of my great society. Stay tuned for ideological update."
"I’m still not sure what went wrong with the site, so I’ll just do what I always do in these situations and assume it was a causality casualty from war with an alternate timeline. Rolling with that assumption on all of life’s little problems can give you a terrific perspective on things. Y’know? “Augh, fuck. It’s raining!” becomes, “Huh, it’s raining,” and then with a bemused nod, “Typical 31st century Mega-Etruscan tactic. ”And then when your friends look at you weird, you can give them a pitying gaze, clutch their heads to your bosom, and lament that they too have been affected by the wars. Something like, “Oh, you poor dear. You’ve no memory of what never shall be.” I don’t have many friends anymore. Not since the war took them."
(referring to a broken sign displayed at a fireworks stand)"It says FIRE ORKS. And the arrow on this particular sign points down a twisting dirt road that is quickly engulfed in a darkened forest. I really need to get around to vandalizing that sign. Maybe adding something like "This way lies doom" to the bottom."
"[...]is there a contest between developers to see who can make the most irresistable game for Brian? I'm trying to get some work done here!"
"Dammit, Skittles bag. How can you call yourself a rainbow of flavors when you're all green? They do this to oppress us, you know. He who controls the Skittle, controls the means of production. They know no one needs that many greens. Even if you like green, you can't like it that much. One day, Skittles, one day soon, there will be a reckoning. To each according to his ability, to each according to his red flavor need."
(referring to people in favor of commercializing the Internet)"I suppose their thinking is that since ideas can be dangerous, there should be limits on which ideas are expressed. Which is only the foundation of fascism. Thanks, government!"
"Do you know what I need? A hammer built out of a starship. It just seems practical. Something like that would have dozens of uses around the home. All of them needlessly apocolyptic, probably, but when you've got a doom hammer, every problem is meaningless once the interstellar dust settles."
"Florida weather is like living with a schizophreniac. Its mood is a fractured thing; it believes in real and unreal circumstances equally; and you're never quite sure if it'll come through with its share of the rent."
"I love my PSP in theory. It confuses me that developers seem determined to destroy it. I believe its sheer sexiness terrifies them and, just maybe, causes them to doubt their own biologically oriented sexuality. To paraphrase a Bluth, "It's got a screen you could hump, Mikey."
"It occurs to me that I really need a picture of Patrick Stewart as Captain Picard driving Optimus Prime through space. I would follow either of them into the gates of hell without question or hesitation."