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"I'm not eloquent or distinguished. You guys won't allow me to ever be that, so just bring it on."

 

Mike Tyson

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See, look, uh, I—I know I'm homophobic, but not about gay guys. They don't bother me at all. It's straight guys who don't know they're gay. They f**k my shit right up. Like a guy calls me up and says, "A bunch of us guys are gonna sit around in our underwear and watch the football game and drink beer and eat chips and, you know, maybe wrestle with each other a little—you know, just us guys. You wanna come over?" And I'm like, "No."

 

John S. Hall

 

I asked that question once ["Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs?"] and a woman yelled "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said "Yeah. Almost broke my back." It's that one vertebra, I swear to god it's that close. I think that's the next thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory, and a fervent prayer! And now all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about," ...but guys, you know what I'm talking about. I can speak for any guy here tonight: guys, if you could blow yourselves? Ladies, you'd be here alone right now...watching an empty stage. ...Boy, my parents are proud of me! "Bill, honey, you still doing that suck-your-own-cock bit?" "Yeah, ma." "Good, baby, that's such a crowd-pleaser."

 

Bill Hicks

 

These reasonings are unconnected: "I am richer than you, therefore I am better"; "I am more eloquent than you, therefore I am better." The connection is rather this: "I am richer than you, therefore my property is greater than yours;" "I am more eloquent than you, therefore my style is better than yours." But you, after all, are neither property nor style. (44).

 

Epictetus

 

Nash: You've been sitting out here for six months running your mouth: "this is where the big boys play," huh? Look at the adjective—"play". We ain't here to play. Now, he said last week that he was gonna bring somebody out here—I'm here. You still don't have your three people, and you know why? Because nobody wants to face us. This show's about as interesting as Marge Schott reading excerpts from Mein Kampf!
Bischoff: No trouble here, just speak the peace...
Nash: Yeah, no trouble 'cause you know I'll kick your teeth down your throat. Where's your three guys? What, you couldn't get a paleontologist to get a couple of these fossils cleared?! You ain't got enough guys off of dialysis machines to get a team?! Yeah, where's Hogan? Where's Hogan? Out doing another episode of Blunder in Paradise?! Where's the Macho Man, huh?! Doin' some Slim Jim commercial?! Hey, we're here. You wanna say something?
Bischoff: Look, I don't have the authority right here, right now. You want a fight? Your fight isn't with me. You want three guys? Tomorrow morning at 9:00, I'm gonna be in Atlanta, I'm gonna be in the offices of WCW, I'll try and get you your fight. And you know what? Live, this Sunday in Baltimore, Great American Bash, you guys wanna show up? You want a fight? You show up, I'll see if I can get you your fight.
Nash: [to Hall] I don't know about you, but...they love us in Baltimore.
Hall: Hey, big man, I say me and you, we be at the Bash, maybe these punks want a fight.
Nash: [to Bischoff] Bring what you got. The measuring stick just changed around here, buddy—you're looking at it.

 

Kevin Nash

 

Those guys [in the Persian Gulf War] were in hog heaven, man. They had a weapons catalog, "What's G-12 do, Tommy?" "Says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps pay for the war effort." Well, shit, pull that one up!" "Pull up G-12, please." [sound of a missile launch, several beats, then an explosion]] "...Cool. What's G-13 do?"

 

Bill Hicks