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Yeah, that's what I was wondering!! Who the f**k is Will Rogers?

 

Kelly Osbourne

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Where the f**k did they make you, Kid?
What's that mean?
Where does someone like you come from?
I've lived a lot of places.
Like where?
Why do you care?
Just wondering.
Stop wondering.
Why?
I don't want to make friends here.
Why?
I don't like good-byes.
You gotta say them though.
No, you don't.

 

James Frey

 

I play in a rock and roll band called The Rock Bottom Remainders. It's other authors. It's Stephen King and Amy Tan and Dave Barry and a bunch of others of us. We play to raise money for charities, because we're kind of a freak show, but we're not bad. I play a guitar and a mandocello... And since you don't know what a mandocello sounds like or how it should be played, you can say with some authority I'm the most interesting mandocello player you've ever heard. Anyhow, we're in this hotel and this maid comes in and she keeps looking at me and she smiled and she said, "I know who you are." And I said, "No you don't. Who am I?" And said, "You're Kenny Rogers." And I of course said, "No, no, no." And she said, "If you were Kenny Rogers you wouldn't say you were Kenny Rogers would you? So you must be Kenny Rogers." ... So that evening I'm walking along with my guitars going to the elevator and she went up like a skyrocket, "See! I knew you were Kenny Rogers!" So I signed her card, "Love and kisses, Kenny Rogers."

 

Robert Fulghum

 

I wrote down “tea ski.” What the f**k kinda joke is that? I have no clue. Tea ski, what the f**k? Oh yeah, I remember. I wanna go to a lake and put tea bags in there, for like a hundred of ‘em for like a week, and then I’m gonna tea ski.

 

Mitch Hedberg