You wake up and you're still a little drunk and you can't believe that hot girl from last night actually has a beard and a penis.
--
Cosmopolitan, January 1999, on embarrassing dates.Jon Stewart
Every man wonders about the size of their penis. Laying in bed alone at night, or in a hammock with a parrot. You start thinking, “Do I have a small penis or just gigantic balls?”
Dave Attell
Probably no theory evolved by man is as absurd as Sigmund Freud's theory of penis envy. To a woman, the penis and scrotum seem superfluous to man's otherwise neatly constructed body. They are almost untidy. She cannot understand that after use the penis is not retractable like an aerial on a portable radio. And as for envy — it would never occur, even to a little girl. Not in her deepest unconscious would she wish to possess a penis; and as to being at a disadvantage compared to a little boy, that is nonsense, for she gets preferential treatment anyway.
Freud was merely the victim of training by woman's self-abasement techniques — thanks to his mother, wife, and probably his daughters as well. He confused cause and effect; a woman only says she is worth less than a man. She doesn't really think it. If anyone ought to feel a sense of envy, it is men. They should be jealous of women's power. But, of course, they never are, for they glory in their powerlessness.Sigmund Freud
I saw my father's penis once. But it was okay, because I was soooo young … and sooo drunk.
Sarah Silverman
I cut my pubes last night. My hairs were getting longer than my penis.
Howard Stern
Stewart, Jon
Stewart, Kristen
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