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Jack: What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? "To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks.

 

Jack Benny

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People often ask me, "Jack, you're old. How do you manage to get out of the house and be so outraged and hop up and down so very often?" And of course, I respond, "Could you lend me ten bucks so I can buy some drugs?"

 

Jack Terricloth

 

"Nasruddin, four years ago you were here, and I asked that time also what is your age, and you told me forty years. Now this is absolutely inconsistent – how can you still be forty?"
Nasruddin said, "I am a man of consistency. Once forty, I remain forty always. When I have answered once, I have answered forever! You cannot lead me astray. I am forty, and whenever you ask you will get the same answer."

 

Nasreddin

 

[on Valentine's cards] Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details."

 

Michael McIntyre

 

I managed to get to him the message that he will be executed, finally telling him that, "You are the last card to be played by Bush and Blair." He said, "I am the last card?" I said, "Yes, you are the last card, because Bush and Blair have no reasons to invade Iraq. All the claims were against Iraq — nuclear, link with al-Qaeda — all these stuff has actually disappeared, proved that they don't exist. But they have you. You are they one who they will claim, 'We have removed the dictator.' Do you think removed dictator will be for life sentence or for releasing?" He said, "I understand."

 

Saddam Hussein

 

So we're trying to breed Sluggo and get pick of the litter, so we put him with the female dog for a week. And to make sure it takes, we take him to the vet and they do the artificial insemination, and now it don't take shit to get Sluggo to go to the vet! So the last time we go there, the lady says, "Mr. White, if you'll just come with me, I'll show you how to do this, so next time you don't have to bring the dog, you can just bring the sperm." And I'm like [laughing] "No, you go ahead and jack off the dog, he follows me around too much as it is." He'll be following me around like, "Jack me off! Jack me off! You did it once!" Do it yourself. "I don't have any thumbs. [sobbing] I don't have any goddamn thumbs! Now jack me off, you piece of shit!" [feigned shock] Do we talk to Daddy like that? "Please? Please, jack me off, you piece of shit, I don't have any goddamn thumbs."...I've lost my mind.

 

Ron White