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My only problem with the Grand Canyon is Americans are a little bit too proud of it for my liking. Because they're very proud of it, they are, they love it. I spent two and a half weeks in that Grand Canyon, and if one more American was to say to me "[mock American accent] Hey! Bet you don't have anything like this in Ireland, huh?!", there was gonna be trouble! Honestly! They are so proud of that hole in the ground, you'd think they'd all got together one day with a load of shovels and dug it them-f**king-selves! And let's face it, if they were gonna do that, they would have got the Irish to do it for them, anyway. I do like Americans; they've done a lot to be proud of, to be honest with you. They invented Jack Daniel's, they invented Coca-Cola, they put the two together, hohohoho! They're a thinking people! Put a man on the moon, gave us Marlboro cigarettes, Bill Hicks, Jimi Hendrix, they've done a lot to be proud of. But the Grand Canyon was like that when they found it! And it's not like it was hard to find, the f**ker's huge! "[mock American accent] Bet you don't have anything like this in Ireland, huh?!" Yeah, if we did, we wouldn't have anywhere to put it! Stupid thing to say! Yeah, move Limerick, we have a big canyon coming in! [pauses] Actually not a bad idea, really. I don't know if you've ever been to Limerick [laughs]. "[singing] Limerick, you're a lady!" A big, ugly, scary lady with a knife!

 

Ed Byrne

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"As for the flood carving Grand Canyon, why don’t they explain to us why the top of the Canyon is 4,000ft higher than where the river (Colorado River) enters the canyon? Why don’t they explain to us how rivers miraculously flowed up-hill for millions of years to finally cut the groove deep enough so they could flow downhill?"

 

Kent Hovind

 

I asked that question once ["Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs?"] and a woman yelled "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said "Yeah. Almost broke my back." It's that one vertebra, I swear to god it's that close. I think that's the next thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory, and a fervent prayer! And now all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about," ...but guys, you know what I'm talking about. I can speak for any guy here tonight: guys, if you could blow yourselves? Ladies, you'd be here alone right now...watching an empty stage. ...Boy, my parents are proud of me! "Bill, honey, you still doing that suck-your-own-cock bit?" "Yeah, ma." "Good, baby, that's such a crowd-pleaser."

 

Bill Hicks

 

And now, the American people, proud of our country, proud of our freedom, proud of ourselves, will reject the San Francisco Democrats and send Ronald Reagan back to the White House.

 

Jeane Kirkpatrick

 

So anyway, the show starts, and it's the Army band, and it's all those American "ra ra" songs, you know that whole "I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free." And they eat that shit up!

 

Kathy Griffin

 

Thanks! Ever since I was a little kid, I wanted this! You don't know...my brother sitting there, he says "Thank God we don't have to listen to anymore... you can do it now!" My mom's home, everyone's watching... I have to thank the people at Paramount; I have to thank Jerry Zucker for taking the time he took before he decided to use me because he was sure it was for me... I have to thank Patrick Swazye... he was a stand up guy and went to them and said "I wanna do it with her"... I wanna thank Demi... I wanna thank everybody who makes movies... I come from New York; as a kid, I lived in the projects and you're the people I watched...you're the people that made me wanna be an actor... I'm so proud to be here, I'm proud to be an actor and I'm gonna keep on acting, and thank you so much!

 

Whoopi Goldberg