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"I'm just not happy, I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy because my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would." Hey, join the f**king club! I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox. Life sucks, get a f**king helmet! Alright?

 

Denis Leary

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One day, I thought God had smiled on me because Ray keeled over and had a heart attack on the training pitch. It felt like divine retribution. I had never been so happy in my entire f**king life. He didn't die. Little f**kers like him never do.

 

Stan Collymore

 

But here's what they don't tell you. You can never make a woman happy, it's impossible. I've never met a happy woman in my life. They're always complaining about something. You can f**k a woman with a diamond dick and make her come ten times, and she'll still complain. "Why did you make me come so hard? This diamond dick is cloudy, why didn't you go to Tiffany's? You're so f**king cheap."

 

Chris Rock

 

New York is baffling in that it's a city that prides itself on being an absolute shit-hole. It's like — there's nothing good here, people are proud of that, they're happy, "Oh, it's overpriced, and it's overpopulated, and it stinks like piss, and comics! — comics film specials here!" And they all open with a joke about, "Yeah, you spend 8 thousand dollars a month for 9 square feet!" And you go, "Well, why do you f**king live here?" Why do people stay here?.. But unfortunately, this is where comedy works — where people are the most miserable. Like, I'd rather be filming a special on a beach in Costa Rica in a tiki bar right now, but they don't need comedians, they're already smiling, they're already happy — naturally! So that's why I'm doing a special here — cause it's the last f**king place I wanna be.

 

Doug Stanhope

 

"I know most of you wanna see me all drugged out and f**ked up and i know misery loves company, but im sorry those days are over. I had a good run, Amsterdam and all. I'm happy being sober. I'm happy being a new me. Giva f**k who thinks of me different, you didn't care about me in the first place if you cant be proud and happy for me for growing and starting a new chapter. I'm not your puppet or your tap dancing drug addict here to be your miserable muse, i always made music for me to help myself find understanding. I have finally learned from the words in my songs. I love who loves me and who really cares about me."

 

Kid Cudi