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Cop couldn't find his f**king couch in the living room.

 

David Mamet

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(Spoken) So I called my brother... he was living in Austin. He had these friends who were letting him stay on their couch, and I figured they might have a couch that I could stay on. So, I got this ride to Austin, Texas and got to this address my brother gave me, and this guy introduced himself as "Bonehead." And I went in and started asking around; turned out they didn't have the second couch, they just had the one couch, uh, for my brother. But they knew where there was a party, and I thought, well, that's good enough.

 

Todd Snider

 

[talking about a Christmas fight in which he locked his girlfriend out of the house]
When all of the sudden there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the couch to see what was a matter.
I went to the window and tore open the blinds,
And there was my girlfriend, quite out of her mind!
And I was just standing there, heart pounding with fear,
She was bangin' on the glass door with a vodka bottle…filled just 'bout to here.
And I knew the window couldn't take it.
She said, "Open the door, you bastard, or I'll f**king break it!"
Well, I couldn't do that; 'twas my father's place.
So I opened the door, and she cracked me in the face!
And I summoned my manhood from bottom to top,
And I screamed like a little girl…"I'M CALLING THE COPS!"

 

Christopher Titus

 

Hey, man don't let all this celebrity garbage fool you. It's all just a trick to get your mind...off...the...war. I think Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room. Bush sent that girl to Kobe's room, Bush sent that little boy to Michael Jackson's house. Bush killed Laci Peterson. Bush was f**king Paris Hilton in that video. All to get your mind off the war. Bush lied to me, they all lied to me: "We gotta go to Iraq because they're the most dangerous country on Earth. They're the most dangerous regime in the world." If they're so dangerous, how come it only took two weeks to take over the whole f**king country? Shit. Man, you couldn't take over Baltimore in two weeks.

 

Chris Rock

 

A cow couldn't find its calf in this room.

 

Addison Mizner