I asked that question once ["Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs?"] and a woman yelled "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said "Yeah. Almost broke my back." It's that one vertebra, I swear to god it's that close. I think that's the next thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory, and a fervent prayer! And now all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about," ...but guys, you know what I'm talking about. I can speak for any guy here tonight: guys, if you could blow yourselves? Ladies, you'd be here alone right now...watching an empty stage. ...Boy, my parents are proud of me! "Bill, honey, you still doing that suck-your-own-cock bit?" "Yeah, ma." "Good, baby, that's such a crowd-pleaser."
Bill Hicks
I meet a lot of people, dude, and I've never been star-struck, but I met Scott and I was like, "Hi Scott - my name is durrrh" He was like, "Are you alright, dude?" and I was like, "Yeah - I mean, my name's Chester and I think you're great, I just wanted to tell you" I felt like a total schmuck! He was like, "Well, are you in a band or what?" and I was like, "Yeah, I'm in a band called Linkin Park" and he was like, "You just played today, right?" and I went, "Yeah" and he went, "I've heard real cool things about you - good luck!" and I was like, "Nargggh" And I mean, when I met him, I was in the middle of talking to the bass player from Green Day and these bands are like of the same calibre, but talking to the bass player from Green Day, I was totally comfortable - "Yeah, dude, what's up, man? It's cool to meet you!" - and here comes Scott and I'm like, "Urrrgh!" I don't know why - maybe I'm gay!
Chester Bennington
I told him, "We're all gay, buddy. It's just to what extent are you gay." He says, "That's bullshit, man, I ain't gay at all!" I said, "Yes, you are and I'll prove it." He says, "Fine, prove it." I said to him, "All right- do you like porn?" He says, "Yeah, I love porn, you know that." I said, "Do you only watch two women together?" He said, "Naw, I watch a man and a woman make love." I said, "OK, do you want the guy to have a tiny, half-flaccid penis?" He said, "Naw, man, I like big, hard, throbbing co- (stunned pause) ...I did not know that about myself."
Ron White
This year, I was cool for 2 seconds of my life. I got to fly with the Airforce Thunderbirds. They called me out of the blue, and said "How would you like to fly with us?" And I'm like "You got the right number?" "Yeah, Bill Engvall, you stand for what America stands for. Be an honor to have you fly with us." And I'm like "I'd be an honor to fly iwth 'ya." "Well, we gotta get you clearance from the Pentagon." I went "Well, I'm screwed."
Bill Engvall
I celebrated my 21st birthday here, and that was the last time I drank in El Paso. [Audience cheers] You folks don't mess around, you know? Everyone was going, "It's your birthday," I was like, "It's my birthday!" "Do you want a drink?" "SUUURRREE!" And I kept drinking and drinking and drinking, and then the staff asked me, "Do you want to party?" I was like, [Slurring]"I want to party." "Do you want to dance?" [Slurring] "I wanna dance!" I passed out, you guys, and woke up at a place called the O.P. [Audience laughs and cheers] Yeah, the reason you people in El Paso are laughing is because you KNOW! I had no idea it was an "Alternative" night club. I'm in El Paso, I thought O.P. stood for: Orale prese! That is a bad way to sober up, you guys. I'm just dancing, you know [Imitates beat-box music] Boom, boom, boom, hey! Boom, boom, boom, hey! Boom, boom, boom- [Jumps like something's behind him] HEY! [Audience laughs] And behind me was this little guy going, [Little effeminate voice] "Pikachu!"
Gabriel Iglesias
Hicks, Bill
Hicks, Esther
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