Thursday, July 18, 2024 Text is available under the CC BY-SA 3.0 licence.

Simon Amstell

« All quotes from this author
 

You just threw cheese at Sam & Mark. Don't you think they've suffered enough?!
--
Brit Awards Red Carpet 2005

 
Simon Amstell

» Simon Amstell - all quotes »



Tags: Simon Amstell Quotes, Authors starting by A


Similar quotes

 

I wanted my illustrations for the Dante to be like the faint markings of moisture in a divine cheese. This explains their variegated aspect of butterflies' wings. Mysticism is cheese; Christ is cheese, better still, mountains of cheese!

 
Dante Alighieri
 

Let’s say, for instance, I’m out of cheese. And then I’ll think, oh, but what if I go to the store and they’re out of cheese? I’d be like, “How can you be out of cheese?” “What do you mean ‘How can we be out of cheese?’ You’re out of cheese. People run out of cheese.” Then I’d be like, “Yeah, but you’re a store. You should have cheese stocked up in the back for people like me coming in looking for cheese.” And that’s when they send the manager over, who thinks he’s so cool for being the manager ‘cause his picture’s framed in the front of the store ‘cause he’s the manager, you know. And he’d be like, "What seems to be the problem, ma'am?" Which to me is so condescending, like “little lady.” I’d be like, “The little lady’s problem.…” He’d be like, “Who’s the little lady?” I’d be like, “Shut up and listen to me. You’re out of cheese and I want some.” And, he’s like, “Well, how about some cottage cheese?' Like he’s going to negotiate the situation, he’s a diplomat because he’s the manager. And I’d be like, “I don’t want cottage cheese; I want cheddar cheese. Sharp cheddar cheese is what I came in for. Sharp cheddar cheese and cottage cheese are not the same things. Just ‘cause they have the name cheese in the title doesn't make it a cheese at all. That’d be like going into a musical instrument store and saying ‘I’d like to buy a trumpet,’ and them saying 'I’m sorry, we're all out of trumpets, but would you like a shoehorn?’ See, that’s not the same thing, is it, Mr. Manager?” (‘Thank you for the shoe horn,’ you know.) And he starts getting all nervous and everything, because a crowd has formed and he starts feeling humiliated because they’re all sitting around mumbling “What seems to be the problem?,' I don’t know, she wants some cheese.' And, so, um, he just slaps me right across the face. And, umm, so that’s when Skip, the part time guy who works there, who hates the manager ‘cause he thinks so cool for being the manager and treats Skip like shit because he’s just the part time guy. And Skip’s going to quit in the fall and go back to school anyway. He doesn’t even need the money; he’s from a wealthy family. He’s just doing it for the experience because his family wants him to work one summer. And, so anyway, so, he takes the hose, and he goes to spray the manager right in the eye, right, and so, but that’s when he’s leaning down to pick the cottage cheese, so he misses him and he gets this old woman who’s standing right behind him, and she’s there picking out an avocado, because the older you are the less you eat and she all she wants is the avocado. So she screams out, “my eye, I’ve been sprayed in the eye with a produce hose.” And so then that’s when her nephew who's visiting from Austin Texas is two aisles over buying tortilla chips because he thinks they're going to have guacamole. Little does he know it's one avocado. And so, he starts running “I’ll help you, aunt so and so,” running, and then when he’s running down the aisle when he slips on some water from the produce hose, breaks his leg, breaks his arm, bruises two ribs right there… gets a stitch put in his cheekbone, just one, but still, it’s a stitch. Chaos breaks out and it’s all over Hard Copy and Entertainment Tonight and Access Hollywood… "Lesbian Demands Cheese, Causes Riot." And I’m like, “I didn’t even want the cheese.” You know?

 
Ellen DeGeneres
 

Wanting won’t make a stone cheese. But he still smells like cheese to me.

 
Robert Jordan
 

I once held her in my arms,
She said she would always stay,
But I was cruel, I treated her like a fool,
I threw it all away.
I threw it all away.

 
Bob Dylan
 

My wife gave him some Swiss cheese and rye bread for lunch, which he greatly liked. Thereafter he more or less insisted on eating bread and cheese at all meals, largely ignoring the various dishes that my wife prepared. Wittgenstein declared that it did not much matter to him what he ate, so long as it always remained the same. When a dish that looked especially appetizing was brought to the table, I sometimes exclaimed "Hot Ziggety!" — a slang phrase that I learned as a boy in Kansas. Wittgenstein picked up this expression from me. It was inconceivably droll to hear him exclaim "Hot Ziggety!" when my wife put the bread and cheese before him.

 
Ludwig Wittgenstein
© 2009–2013Quotes Privacy Policy | Contact