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I'd like to start off this show by asking you all a question, cause I don't know the answer. Does anyone know why a pair of sunglasses cost more than a big screen television? Does anybody know? I went to the Sunglass Hut to buy a new pair of sunglasses after I lost my pair. And I see a pair that I like. I don't love them, I like them. $309. So I asked the salesman, very politely, I said, "How do you sleep at night, you f**kin' prick?" And I told him--this is true--that I bought a 25" color television at Wal-Mart for $218. And he says, "Well, apparently, sir, you don't get it." "...I'm listenin'." "These sunglasses block 100% of all UV rays." "No, apparently you don't get it; this thing decodes a digital signal it picks up from outer-f**king-space!" Then I found out the glasses got basic cable and I felt like a dickhead...

 

Ron White

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The waitress brought me another drink. She wanted to light my hurricane lamp again. I wouldn't let her. "Can you see anything in the dark, with your sunglasses on?" she asked me.
"The big show is inside my head," I said

 

Kurt Vonnegut

 

"You sound like you got a nice pair of them f**kin' balogna tits on ya, huh Willy?" (from "Testing for Jeopardy")

 

Jerky Boys

 

They will ask: "Who gave you the Teaching?"
Answer: "The Mahatma of the East."
They will ask: "Where does He live?"
Answer: "The abode of the Teacher not only cannot be made known but cannot even be uttered. Your question shows how far you are from the understanding of the Teaching. Even humanly you must realize how wrong your question is."
They will ask: "When can I be useful?"
Answer: "From this hour unto eternity."
"When should I prepare myself for labor?"
"Lose not an hour!"
"And when will the call come?"
"Even sleep vigilantly."
"How shall I work until this hour?"
"Enhancing the quality of labor."

 

Nicholas Roerich

 

"God is an iron," I said. "Did you know that?"
I turned to look at her and she was staring. She laughed experimentally, stopped when I failed to join in. "And I'm a pair of pants with a hole scorched through the ass?"
"If a person who indulges in gluttony is a glutton, and a person who commits a felony is a felon, then God is an iron."

 

Spider Robinson

 

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

 

Sam Kinison