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If you can see the handwriting on the wall ... you're on the toilet.
--
"Live from Las Vegas" 8-Track (circa 1970s)

 

Redd Foxx

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Man is a strange animal. He generally cannot read the handwriting on the wall until his back is up against it.

 

Adlai Stevenson

 

[About drunks.] So, now you've got to go. So you come into the bathroom, close the door; now, don't forget: you owe this to yourself. You've worked hard all week. It's come to this: [leans on his stage chair like a toilet] "Ooooohhhhhh...eeeeehhhhh.....ahh, Jesus... Oh, God... if You get me out of this, I'll never drink again as long as I live... " Now you are ready...to put your face...in a place...that was never built for your face. "Ohhhhh!" Now you feel it coming, so you say "holding on! Holding on! We're going for a ride, yes! Bring it on, yes! Here it comes, I'm ready to explode!" [Imitates someone vomiting into a toilet.] And your muscles lock, everything! And you would not be surprised...you would not be surprised...if you saw your SHOES come out of your mouth! Now that wave has stopped, you say "Oouough!" And you put your head on the side of the bowl...and you thank the toilet bowl! "Thank you, toilet bowl. Thank you for being so cool on the side. Only you understand me, toilet bowl. You're the only friend I have. My wonderful toilet bowl."

 

Bill Cosby

 

I'm staying here in Seattle at the Hotel 1000, and I would like to talk for just a second about their toilets. They've got the best toilets ever, man. For one, the seat is heated. Now, that doesn't sound like much, but if you've ever sat on a cold toilet seat and you sit on a warm toilet seat, it's niiiice. It kinda loosens your bowel muscles and just helps you crap, you know? And on the wall, there's a row of buttons and one of them says Rear Cleansing, and the other says Front Cleansing, and there's a diagram of a guy sitting on a toilet with a stream of water shooting up his ass. So I push a button...and all of a sudden, I'm that guy! I've got a stream of water shooting up my ass, and it's amazing [beat] how accurate this thing is. I don't know if everybody's butthole is in the exact same place, but this thing has got me dead cen-ter! And below that button is another button that says Oscillate, and I said, "Why NOT?" Now I have a rotating stream of water shooting up my ass, and it was at that point I realized that 50 million gay men can't be wrong! [audience cheers] I'm singing songs to this toilet, I'm in love! [singing] "I honestly love you..." My wife caught me spreading cake on my ass just so I could go wash it off. "Is that cake?!" "No, I gotta go to the bathroom...don't wait up."

 

Ron White

 

Note that ANSI standards also cost way too much compared to toilet paper, and they're pretty bad quality as toilet paper goes, too.

 

Erik Naggum

 

The best place to meditate is on the pot. If you have a comfortable toilet seat and a stout lock on the door, there's no telling what great thoughts might emerge. Martin Luther dreamed up Protestantism whilst sitting on the toilet at Wittenburg monastery, and we know what a big movement that became.

 

Anton LaVey