Tom Holt
Author of parodic mythopoeic fiction.
'I'm an archaeologist,' said Hildy. 'I dig up the past.'
The King raised an eyebrow. 'You mean you refresh old quarrels and keep alive old grievances? Surely not.'
'No, no,' said Hildy, 'I dig up ancient things buried in the earth. Things that belonged to people who lived hundreds of years ago.' As she said this, she began to feel uncomfortable. She had forgotton about the brooch.
'Do you really?' said the King. 'We used to call that grave-robbing.'
'Jason squared his shoulders, drew the Sword of - I couldn't give a toss what it's supposed to be called, he said to himself, I shall call it Freckles - and took one step forward.'
'Thank you for calling the Powers of Darkness. Your call may be recorded for security and training purposes. For general moral and ethical enquiries, press 1 on your keypad. To make a reservation, press 2. For details of our special discount packages for lawyers, politicians, and Microsoft executives, press 3.'
Besides, [Saint] George pointed out, dragons burn towns and demand princesses as ransom.
The dragons, referring to the Siege of Jerusalem, the Sack of Constantinople and a thousand years of dynastic marriages, said, Look who's talking. - c. 4
'Tact comes as naturally to full-bore handguns as, say, ice-skating to African elephants, but there comes a time when an exceptional individual is prepared to stand up and break the mould.'
'Be my guest,' Vanderdecker said. 'You can watch a master liar at work, if you don't mind being an accomplice.'
'Doesn't worry me,' Jane replied, 'I'm an accountant.' - c. 8
'How many spectral warriors does it take to change a light-bulb?
One, and a stepladder. At a pinch, of course, he could stand on a chair.'
Between the town of Giles, to the north of the Tomkinson Range, and Forrest in the Nullarbor Plain, lies the Great Victorian Desert. It is hot, arid, desolate and merciless; and whatever the Creator had in mind when He made it that way, it most certainly wasn't human beings.
It's a really awful place to be if you've got toothache. - c. 3
'The best definition of an immortal is someone who hasn't died yet.'
'He didn't smile - he was from Yorkshire, after all - but in some inner chamber of his heart he was satisfied.'
'It was irritating to have one's physical shortcomings pointed out quite so plainly twice in one evening, once by a beautiful girl and once by a dying badger.'
'If you hadn't noticed, I'm the pub loony around here. This is my turf, and if there's any gibbering to be done, I'm the one who does it. If you want to gibber, find another bar.'
In the beginning was the Word. Nobody knows what it actually was, although it would be nice to think that it was 'Sorry.' - c. 2
'Genies rarely have nightmares, for the same reason that elephants don't usually worry about being trampled underfoot. With the possible exception of bottles, there's nothing in the cosmos large enough or malicious enough to frighten them, or stupid enough to try.'
'You poor suckers [mammals]: you've got all this horrible stuff to get through somehow so obviously there's got to be an incentive, or at least some kind of fix for you to get addicted to. That's love: possibly the sneakiest trick ever played on any variety of life form by a notoriously conniving Universe. You do all these dismal, soul-destroying things because you get attached to each other.' -the spokesclone, pg. 322
'The King rose slowly to his feet and beckoned to the wizard, who had been sitting outside the circle of the firelight, apparently, trying to find a spell that would make a beer-can magically refill itself.'
'Good guys is just a fancy way of saying Us. Bad guys is only ever Them.' - c. 12
'I spy,' said the first mate, 'with my little eye, something beginning with W.'
Nobody took any notice. Even Jan Christian Duysberg had guessed that one back in the 1740's, and he had been thirty-four years old before he realised he was left-handed. - c.2
'That's it?' Boamund said.
'Basically, yes,' the hermit replied. 'I've left out Helmut von Moltke and the Peace of Nikolsburg, and maybe I skated over the Benelux customs union a bit, but I think you've got the essentials there. Anything you're not sure about, you can look up in the book.' - c. 1
'You want the short version. Okay, then: shit happens. Does that answer all your question? Thought not. Now, if you shut your face and let me tell this my way, we might actually get somewhere. Thank you.' -the spokesclone, pg. 319