Robert Orben
American magician and professional comedy writer.
As much as we admire all the characteristics of a Ronald Reagan, as soon as something goes wrong, people will hate those same characteristics.
The next time you feel like complaining, remember that your garbage disposal probably eats better than 30 percent of the people in the world.
President Ford used humor a great deal.
Humor is the most honest of emotions. Applause for a speech can be insincere, but with humor, if the audience doesn't like it there's no faking it.
Wall Street is where prophets tell us what will happen and profits tell us what did happen.
If somebody accuses you in a story of being a crook, you can demand that they prove it. But if a comic says it and you protest, people say, 'What's the matter, you can't take a joke?'
Quit worrying about your health. It'll go away.
Anybody with a good sense of humor is one-up on their competition. We respond to somebody who has the ability to make us laugh. It's a bonding influence.
Dick Cheney has to be the kindliest attack dog ever.
Life was a lot simpler when what we honored was father and mother rather than all major credit cards.
Successful salesman: someone who has found a cure for the common cold shoulder.
The chance to be seen as a warm, witty guy is too good an opportunity for a politician to miss.
Did you ever figure to be living in a time when your check is good, but the bank bounces?
What bothers me about television is that it takes our minds off our minds.
A vacation is having nothing to do and all day to do it in.
Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian.
If you can get someone to laugh with you, they will be more willing to identify with you, listen to you. It parts the waters.
George Bush has turned into the playboy of the Western world. He shows up at Chinese restaurants, at movies, at the Kennedy Center. He seems to be a totally relaxed, enjoy-the-moment kind of individual. He has shown a sense of playfulness that is very appealing. It shows he isn't overwhelmed by the overwhelming responsibilities he is taking on.
It always seems to someone outside the business that it is very difficult to write for a comedy show because it must be done quickly. Actually, it is much easier to write this humor than to do a joke or a show from scratch, because the audience knows the plot. Just mention what is going on and then deliver the punch line.
Do you ever get the feeling that the only reason we have elections is to find out if the polls were right?