Nicole Hollander
American cartoonist and writer.
(Sylvia) You almost never see a real lady popping out of a cake.
(Sylvia) Things you can do when you’re a grown-up: . . . .3) Default on a home equity loan and lose everything.
(Man in bar) The kind of woman I want just isn't around anymore. (Sylvia) Perhaps if you wait for a full moon.
(Wicked witch hexing babies) Women of future generations will have undreamt of career opportunities. You two will use yours to despoil the environment.
(Cat in bed) The Shedd Aquarium in Chicago recently identified a new species of fish...virtually extinct in the wild, and they haven't even named it yet. I dreamt I ate it.
(Voice on television) Mom, can a douche make you feel more confident? (Sylvia) Not like a good stock portfolio.
(First woman)...Men lose their sense of humor as they get older...their brains shrink...So men will be getting grumpier, just as we're getting...(Second woman) Shorter.
(Woman at typewriter) Dear Syl, . . . Is nothing forever? (Sylvia) Red wine on a white couch.
(Sylvia) Where do you stand? . . . .Do you think that people who like cake should be allowed to serve in combat positions?
(Man on television) Rita, you must believe me, alien beings are among us. (Sylvia) Yeah, in public office.
(Sylvia) [This] sends the wrong message to the international community. It says we support the U.N. only when it serves our interests exclusively. [pause] Wait a minute! That is our message.
(Sylvia to blindfolded cat) Just put your paw on the map, and that's where we'll go for our vacation. It's a big country, and yet you picked Cleveland.
(Woman on telephone) Yes of course if you were imprisoned in a foreign land by a right-wing junta and our government was unresponsive to your plight, I would organize demonstrations and move heaven and earth for your release, but I'm not going to pick you up at the airport.
(Bartender Harry) How can you tell the male bird from the female bird? (Sylvia) He's the one with the furrowed brow; she's the happy-go-lucky one....He's the one reading the sports page; she's the one with 12 pairs of tiny shoes. (Harry) I don't have time for this.
(Sylvia at typewriter) In the heat of the moment, I said a lot of unforgiveable things. Please call me. I've thought of a few more.
(Television announcer) The Supreme Court staggered the nation today when they ruled that conception begins the minute you think about sex. (pp. 60-61)
(The Woman Who Does Everything Better Than You) ...it's a worse shock to lose one of your five homes than it is to lose your only home. I'm sure psychologists will back me up on this.
(Sylvia) I'm staying in this tub until the Soviets pull out of Afghanistan.
(Young girl rejecting Devil's attempt to purchase her soul) Bag your face. . . . You set off the smoke detector, ham breath.
(Woman in office) Help, I am a rich woman being kept prisoner in a working woman's body.