Nicole Hollander
American cartoonist and writer.
(Man in bed, wearing glasses and suit) I dreamt I was in the shower with a bunch of gay guys and no one looked at me twice.
(Pilot’s voice on airplane public address system) Geez, I’m sorry about that landing. . . . Why don’t I just go up and try again?
(Television) Humor will never be the same. Sarcasm, irony, and cynicism will disappear. (Sylvia) Right. I'm having mine surgically removed. (Rita) Ma, cut it out!
(Sylvia) A really good haircut is as effective in changing one’s life as A) 3 months of psychotherapy. B) 6 months of psychotherapy.
(Sylvia) What do you hope never to hear your pilot say? 1) ”I had the worst fight of my life with my wife this morning.” 2) “Let’s see how fast this baby will go.” 3) “Whoops.”
(First Bad Girl) Conservatives say gay marriage undermines the institution of marriage. . . .(Second Bad Girl) The minute women got driver's licenses, marriage was doomed.
(Devil describes Hell) It's like you go to a Van Halen concert and you're the oldest one there, and there's a mix-up in the tickets, and you have to stand for the whole thing and it's hot and the kid next to you loses his lunch on your shoe. . . . I know. You thought it was going to be witty and Noel Cowardish.
(Man on television) The investment firm of Smith Barney: they make money the old-fashioned way--they earn it. (Sylvia) Right. The rest of us pick it off trees in the backyard.
(Woman to Devil) I want to refinance my soul. (Devil) You’re going to take a bath on points.
(Sylvia) Yes, feminism was the apple Eve bit into.
(Voice on television) Midol relives the special pain that women get (Sylvia) when they realize they picked the wrong man, again.
(Voice on television) Honey, I love you, but I got to be moving on. (Sylvia) Break his kneecaps.
(Woman to psychic) Which do you think is the more impossible dream: the perfect man or the perfect handbag?
(Television) Women hold up half the sky. (Sylvia) Uh huh, but in a poor neighborhood.
(Sylvia at typewriter) A lady never offers a new lover a complimentary tooth brush, razor and sewing kit the next morning.
(Television news announcer) The Supreme Court staggered the nation today when they ruled that conception begins the minute you think about sex.
(Television) A recent study concludes that women over 40 have statistically as much chance of getting killed by a terrorist as of getting married. (Sylvia) And would rather.
(Woman psychic to woman client) So how come the tall, dark, handsome stranger I see in your future is a woman?
(Sylvia at typewriter) For feminine protection, every day use a hand grenade.
(Woman organizing picnic) Most normal people would agree that pizza is nature's perfect food, right?