Jack Handey
American humorist.
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If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
If you ever drop your keys into a river of molten lava, let 'em go, because man, they're gone.
It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself. Basically, it's made up of two separate words — "mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.
I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world because they'd never expect it.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
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