Bill Engvall
American comedian, and a member of the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties...welcome to my world.
Truck driver gets his truck stuck under an overpass, with Engvall watching.
Engvall: Yesterday, my son was out in the yard playing with his friend, and he hit his friend. I walked up to him, and I said, "Hey..." (pantomimes hitting his son) "We don't hit". He looked at me like, "Here's your sign, Dad".
On the phone with his wife when the plane he was on stopped after hitting a deer.
Engvall is in the park flying a kite with his son.
We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks in that restaurant and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. I'll have fried rice. Egg roll..." And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my daughter crazy. 'Cause she goes "why do you do that? That is so insulting to them!"
I've come up with the three things you never want to hear at your kid's parent/teacher conference. Number one: "You're only responsible for the first $10,000 worth of damage." Number two: "We have medication for this." And number three: "It was more than an ounce and he was less than a hundred yards from the school."
Boobs are the center of power. Boobs can make a 6-month old baby and a 65 year old man both act the same way. And I'm a big fan. Oh, man, I love 'em! And I ain't picky neither. I hate guys that say "I don't like little boobs." I don't care! Big boobs, little boobs, saggy boobs, perky boobs...You could have boobs that look like nanners, I don't give a damn! They're the perfect toy! You squish them, mush them, POOF! They come right back out! You can't even break 'em! Oh god, they're amazing. Boobs can make a long trip seem short, make a bad day seem great. [Points to member of the audience] Bud, let's say you had a bad day at work. Boss been chewing you out all day long. That girl sitting next to you shows you her boobs, you're like, "This day was GREAT!"
Ron White's son is going on a direct flight from Austin, Texas to Houston, Texas and is talking to the flight attendant.
Engvall is in an office elevator going up.