Bill Bailey
British musician and comedian.
The actual quote attributed to Russell is, "Everything is vague to a degree you do not realise till you have tried to make it precise."
(After asking the audience about their negative experiences with Marijuana)
BB: So, what form did these experiences take?
Audience Member: Swimming with dolphins! (mentioned earlier on the show)
BB: (misunderstands) Dolby? What, you hear everything with a slightly reduced hiss? (As Audience Member) I like to hear the world in Dolby, it's fantastic! Mind you, it means that no snake will I ever hear. And I said that in a very strange way. [As Yoda] No snake will I ever hear, mmm! [Normally] Never put Dolby on snake detectors, that's what we must remember.
It's the augmented fourth, or diminished fifth, depending on your outlook on life..."
Not a very well-known fact, but on planes they always carry a trombone just in case there's a disaster and they need to keep morale up. All cabin crew - fully proficient in the trombone. And of course there's a double facility: if you ditch at sea, it can be used as a snorkel.
Milton Keynes: Satan's lay-by.
This is the news theme, but it sounds like pure Hollywood entertainment. It sounds like E.T. on a horse being chased by Darth Vader, which is something I'd love to see.
Nostalgia: How long's that been around?
You're absolutely right, Hitler was a vegetarian. It's very unseemly to think so, but there he was. Just goes to show, vegetarianism, not always a good thing. Can in some extreme cases lead to genocide.
Welcome to the O2. A unique building in Dublin, in that it is actually finished.
I can't ever remember ever seeing any charity porn, though. "Farmyard Frolics 3: A portion of this goes to a women's literacy programme in Eritrea".
Talking of white supremacist violent types, I was in America, recently... [Wild laughter and applause from audience]
[Re:Claims Direct] No win, no fee, no basis in reality. Just a room above a minicab office in Acton and a steady stream of greedy simpletons whose delusion is only matched by their clumsiness.
Beautiful ladies in danger. Danger all around the world. But I will protect them, because I am Chris de Burgh!
Beautiful ladies in emergency situations.
Beautiful ladies are lovely but sometimes they don't take care
They're too busy with their makeup and combing their lovely hair
To take basic safety precautions
But I will protect them I will save the pretty ones
With their smiles and their beautiful eyes
But let the ugly ones die
I have no place for them in my new world order
I won't waste my seed on hideous trolls
Kill kill kill kill kill the trolls
hunt them down there shall be no clemency
Kill kill kill kill kill the trolls
Look under the bridges that's where they hide
That's where they hide
And beauty shall be my bride.
I am a confectionary-based existentialist.
Or, as I call it, a Cheesel, it's a Weasel with a Cheese finish.
You get somebody to explain the Trinity to you, they'll say "Well God, he's God, and Jesus is God as well, and the Holy Spirit is...[mumbles indistinctly]". "What?" "He's the fecund spirit of the Lord who impregnates Mary, then gets a bit up himself and is reduced to light clerical duties?" Let's examine that in joke form: three male divine natures go into a cosmic essence, giving and receiving love, but not in a gay bishop way, to which the whole of Islam goes "Wha?"; Hinduism: "Nah!"; or Buddhism: "Ssh!".
It's like a mohican on your pancreas, man!
Or I get my navel fluff out and weave it into wigs so that fleas can act out Victorian melodramas. [On relaxation]
And just as he said that a feminist jumped out of a manhole - just jumped up and oh, and she didn't like that. That she didn't like that.
Not so great in England at the moment; in an online poll we came last, we actually came bottom of European countries for quality of life, because of things like the weather, obviously, late retirement, poor holiday, poor public services, poor health service; it's basically just a kind of grey, godless wilderness, full of cold pies and broken dreams.