Ben Croshaw
British-born Australian based game designer.
Starring Laurence Fishburne, Hugo Weaving, The Slightly Mannish Woman and A Big Keanu-Reeves Shaped Piece Of Wood! (On the Matrix Reloaded, 24 June 2003)
Perfectly coloured to be camouflaged totally in a 60's living room, the zebra has powerful legs and a thirst for blood! (Fight or Flight?)
We've learned that you should never trust English professors who stick computer chips in their arms, breakfast cereal mascots, Stephen King, the Borg collective, vegetarians, Christians, Microsoft Word helpers and people who put five exclamation marks on the ends of their statements. (I'm Off)
"Those shells don't look very comfortable, miss." - Edited from the original script of the Little Mermaid (Chapter Eleven)
The 'wemon' is a shy creature and bathrooms offer it comfort by reminding it of its native Sweden! Try to lure it out with a few styrofoam packing peanuts and scratch it gently behind the ears. (5 October 2005)
I once saw some magician bloke turn a carton of orange juice into orange juice, beer, milk, coke and ginger ale. That makes him five times better than Jesus or something. (Why it Would Kick Arse to be Jesus)
Winning the lottery is like slipping your hand into the bra of the most beautiful woman in the world, then getting it stuck and having to saw it off at the wrist. (Chapter Eight)
When you think about it, when you overlook the ingrained taboos of society and think for your own fucking self for once, it doesn't make much sense that murder is illegal when we still have no idea what death IS, exactly. For all we know the human body is merely a stopping-off point where we learn wisdom and patience in preparation for the next, ultimate state of existence, beings of pure light, at one with the universe and with minds encompassing a thousand galaxies. And for all we know, you only get to do all this if you die before you turn 40. In that case, being murdered could be the greatest thing anyone ever does for you. (5 October 2004)
The thing is, if you complain to me about it, you are basically complaining to the pig because your sausages were undercooked. I know my name is on the front of the cover in big fat serifed letters, but I've got nothing to do with distribution and sales or anything to do with Amazon. If you are dissatisfied with their service, then complain to them. Repeatedly. With sticks. (16 September 2010 in regards to Mogworld issues on Amazon.com)
Bush wouldn't be so bad if it was just him jumping up and down on the corpse of international diplomacy, but we've got Blair as well, kneeling behind him and rhythmically planting a kiss on each buttock with each of the American President's gleeful bounds. (17 July 2003)
If you don't give a shit then you can only be pleasantly surprised, and I've been burnt too often by disappointment to fall for it again.
People followed Jesus, I think because they wanted to have sex with him. Ho yes, they so wanted some of that holy jiggy-jiggy! (cough) sorry. (Why it Would Kick Arse to be Jesus)
My main inspiration is sardonic British TV critics like Charlie Brooker, whose excellent show Screenwipe is fully on Youtube, and I recommend everyone watch it. He used to write for a PC magazine I read fanatically as a child. My own style is a mixture of him, possibly Douglas Adams, and internet writers like Seanbaby, Old Man Murray, or Something Awful. I’m such a rip-off.
Consider how The Dark Knight got away with a rating of PG-13 in the US by skilfully not showing any blood. Does that make it any more suitable for children? Or will there be a generation of youngsters haunted by visions of white-faced sadists brandishing pencils?
Yes, I have been harvested by mainstream media for whatever time remains for television to still be called 'mainstream' before the internet destroys it once and for all. (14 February 2008)
Rips in the space time continuum look a lot like vaginas. (19 April 2006)
Christians are a funny lot, aren't they? It doesn't seem to matter what their God does, they'll just keep on loving him regardless. (8 November 2003)
A comment on Mogworld's Amazon page has already declared it to be terrible. Proof that future time travellers are among us? (12 July 2010)
I'm not misogynist. I resent that. I hate women, yes, but only because I hate everyone. (25 June 2010)
Did we learn nothing from Terminator 3? Apart from the fact that Arnold Schwarzeneggar can act in the same way that octopi can figure skate. (27 March 2005)