"So I'm sittin' in Nashville Tennessee, it's a Wednesday night - and I'm wrestling on pay per view. maybe you've heard of it, "NWA:TNA." Around Thursday at 5:59 at night I fly to Chicago. From Chicago I fly to Heathrow, from Heathrow I fly to Germany. This is the absolute WORST trip of my entire life... and I travel a LOT. See I've been all over the world. I've been to Puerto Rico, I've been to Japan, I've been to Mexico, I've wrestled in South Africa, I've wrestled in Asia. I've wrestled from the tip of Antarctica down to Antar- I've been everywhere. My plane comin' into Chicago is late. I gotta' hustle halfway across O'Hare Airport. I've got people *laughin'* at me, because a seventy-year-old man who's on the same flight as me made it to the flight to Heathrow first. So I get to Heathrow, and the lady at the BMI counter tells me to stand in line at the Luftstansa counter because that's who handles the German flights. Well I stood in line for FORTY-FIVE MINUTES and had to listen to all these little Irish pipsqueaks complain that something's wrong with *their* passports. And when I *FINALLY* get out there, I *FINALLY* get to the counter, my plane's leaving in nine minutes and they tell me I can't get on it. You know what I did? You know what I did because of who I am, CM Punk? Because I'm drug free and alcohol free? I *took* my bags, I even picked up a little old lady who needed the lift... and I RAN to my gate, and I GOT there in time, and they PUT me on that plane -- 'cause I am a LEGEND, I am a superstar. And I get to Germany. I get here and I have to put up with the SAME crap that I have to put up with in America. "Chris Hero." Chris Hero, you beat me ONE TIME, and I had a hundred and fourteen degree temperature and the GOUT. This is no laughing matter. Germany, you made a name for yourself... this is your home. This is the first time I'm here. And what's CM Punk known for doin? BEATING THE ODDS. Today, sixty-minute Iron Man Match... I'm gonna' pin you sixty seven times and it STILL won't matter. No matter how many times you pin me, if i let you, I am STILL better than you. Because *I AM* drug free, *I AM* alcohol free, and I'm straightedge. And I'm better than you."
Phil Brooks
The explosion was now officially designated an "Act of God."
But, thought Dirk, what god? And why?
What god would be hanging around Terminal Two of Heathrow Airport trying to catch the 15:37 flight to Oslo?Douglas Adams
"People like to come up to me and tell me that I've got nice ink. Except these tattoos aren't just decorations. They are declarations. Every tattoo I have tells its own story about who I am. Drug-free. Honor. And a war against the system. See I'm not some punk kid looking for the next thrill. I'm a highly disciplined athelete, craving to compete with the very best. My obsession is competiton and my addiction is wrestling. My name, is C...M... Punk."
Phil Brooks
And they ask me, "Well, is it alright if we let the drug-sniffing dog walk along the outside of the plane?" I said, "That's fine," and the dog walks back and forth a few times, and the cop says, "Well, the dog gave us the signal there are drugs on the plane," and I was like, "...No, he didn't! That dog didn't do anything, I was starting straight at him! He didn't wink, blink, woof, or paw. What's his signal, a blank stare? [Mimes a blank stare] That's all he did!" And the cop says, "Well, the dog gave us the signal there are drugs on the plane," And I said, "Well I said there are no drugs on the plane. Who are you going to believe, me or...Ah, f**k it, whatever." It takes them an hour and a half to search this plane, and I'm standing there going, "Oh, come on!" And of course there are no drugs on the plane, and I think that's it, and then the cop goes, "Now that dog needs to sniff that bag you have with you," and I was like, [Scooby Doo voice] "Ruh Roh!" They found 7/8 of a gram of marijuana in my bag. I consider myself OUT of marijuana when I have 7/8 of a gram. That's no weed.
Ron White
I tried. I tried so hard to empathize with all of your weaknesses. I implored every single one of you to just say "no," and all my empathy got was for you to love Jeff Hardy that much more than you already did. But this will not deter me. I will stay the course; I still believe in teaching you people the difference between right and wrong. (Audience chants "Hardy!") Oh, obviously it's gonna be challenging, listening to you people, and by the looks of some of you, it's gonna be a big challenge. But just like any other challenge that's come down the pipe in my lifetime, I'm gonna meet that challenge head on like a man, just like I did last week. Let's take a look. (Recap of Punk's assault on Hardy) See, now I know why you people love Jeff Hardy so much. It's because you are all just like him; and, in turn, Jeff Hardy is just like all of you. The reality is, none of you have the strength to be straight-edge. (Audience resumes chant) You gravitate towards Jeff because it's the easy way out: it's easier to weak like Jeff, because you sure can't be strong like me. Oh, you can boo all you want. I know why you boo, you know why you boo. It's because I tell the truth. And the truth sometimes hurts, doesn't it? For instance, what does it say on your prescription bottle of pills? "Take one every four hours"? Well, don't tell me you people don't gobble four, six, eight at a time like they were Pez. That is drug abuse—I don't do that. I also don't smoke, and those who do are stupid. You gotta be stupid to not listen to the Surgeon General, especially when he prints the warning label on the package of smokes. You gotta be a fool. And we can talk about those funny cigarettes, and you obviously know what I'm talking about because you cheer, and that's utterly sad. That's pathetic. I...I can't even wrap my head around you people cheering, 'cause when you smoke those funny cigarettes, not only is that hazardous to your health, it's also illegal. So those who have taken a puff, not only are you poisoning yourself, you're also breaking the law, so the vast majority of everybody here in this arena is a criminal. I am not a criminal—I never have been, and I never will be. Now let's talk about alcohol. I've saved the best poison for last, see because this is a gateway drug. Don't tell me not a single one of you here has ever said, "I'm gonna go out for one drink," and one leads to two, and two drinks leads to three, and then it's a double of this, and a shot of that, and then your head winds up in the toilet, night in and night out. Congratulations, that is alcoholism. And in my book, if you even take one drink, you're an alcoholic. So I understand why you people love Jeff Hardy so much, I understand why Jeff loves you—it's because you're all weak. Whether you like it or not, whether you know it or not, you deserve better. This entire world deserves better. What you need is a leader. You need a strong leader who's gonna stand up in the face of adversity and just say "no." You need a strong leader that's gonna carry the banner of the World Heavyweight Championship with honor, with pride, respect, dignity, integrity, and class. What you people need is a straight-edge World Heavyweight Champion. You need CM Punk.
Phil Brooks
As you may have known, I got myself into a bit of trouble lately. [audience cheers] And I'll tell you what happened. I was heading down to Florida to do a show, and I flew in on a private jet that you guys bought me. Thank you. It's niiice. We landed in Vero Beach, Florida, and there were cops waiting for me, and cops love me, so do firemen. Sometimes they will escort me from the airport to the venue, and this...wasn't one of those times. The cop came to me and said, "Mr. White, we have been told there are drugs on this plane by an anonymous tip." I said, "There are absolutely no drugs on the plane." I did have a bit of weed in my bag, but it's not on the plane, so technically I'm not lying. And the cop says, "Well, may we search the plane?" I said, "You may absolutely not search this plane unless you have probable cause," because I still have civil liberties, you know what I mean? [Audience cheers] I do.
Ron White
Brooks, Phil
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