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You know when you go into a bar and you want to wash your hands, so you go to the bathroom, and they don't have any hot water? You turn on the C knob, cold water comes out, you turn on the H knob, cold water comes out! It's like, f**k, you cheap bar! But I can accept that, but I just want to know what H stands for now! C obviously stands for "cold." H must stand for, "Ha Ha Dude! You thought this shit was hot, but it is not! Now go spread some germs!"

 

Mitch Hedberg

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I'm staying here in Seattle at the Hotel 1000, and I would like to talk for just a second about their toilets. They've got the best toilets ever, man. For one, the seat is heated. Now, that doesn't sound like much, but if you've ever sat on a cold toilet seat and you sit on a warm toilet seat, it's niiiice. It kinda loosens your bowel muscles and just helps you crap, you know? And on the wall, there's a row of buttons and one of them says Rear Cleansing, and the other says Front Cleansing, and there's a diagram of a guy sitting on a toilet with a stream of water shooting up his ass. So I push a button...and all of a sudden, I'm that guy! I've got a stream of water shooting up my ass, and it's amazing [beat] how accurate this thing is. I don't know if everybody's butthole is in the exact same place, but this thing has got me dead cen-ter! And below that button is another button that says Oscillate, and I said, "Why NOT?" Now I have a rotating stream of water shooting up my ass, and it was at that point I realized that 50 million gay men can't be wrong! [audience cheers] I'm singing songs to this toilet, I'm in love! [singing] "I honestly love you..." My wife caught me spreading cake on my ass just so I could go wash it off. "Is that cake?!" "No, I gotta go to the bathroom...don't wait up."

 

Ron White

 

Imagine a limitless expanse of water: above and below, before and behind, right and left, everywhere there is water. In that water is placed a jar filled with water. There is water inside the jar and water outside, but the jar is still there. The "I" is the jar.

 

Ramakrishna

 

"The Upholder of the Cycles which supports the whole of Life, is water. In every drop of water dwells the Godhead, whom we all serve; there also dwells Life, the Soul of the "First" substance - Water - whose boundaries and banks are the capillaries that guide it and in which it circulates."More energy is encapsulated in every drop of good spring water than an average-sized PowerStation is presently able to produce." (Callum Coats: Water Wizard)

 

Viktor Schauberger

 

Somebody said [to Condell] recently, "Clearly you just don't understand what a person's faith actually means to them. For me," she said, "it's like the water of life." And I thought, what a great phrase - "the water of life", without which, of course, there can be no life. But even the water of life needs to be contained and properly managed, or it can run out of control, get into places where it doesn't belong and cause real damage. For example, if the water of your life gets together with the water of other people's lives, and they form a deluge, a rushing torrent of righteous certainty that sweeps all before it, including reason, well then it's not so much the water of life anymore, is it? It's rapidly turning into the water of death, as everything in its path is crushed - original thought, rational inquiry, free speech and their tattered remnants are strewn upon the rocks of scripture and blind dogma. What's needed here, obviously, is a dam to contain this water of death, convert it back into the water of life, and give us all a chance to switch on a lightbulb in our minds. And that's where secularism comes in. It's everybody's friend, believer and non-believer alike, which I think makes it the real water of life. At least almost as much as this stuff here - beer. Cheers. (Picks up a glass of beer and drinks from it) Mmmm! Now that's what I call the water of life. A merry Christmas to everyone, especially to all you Islamist crackpots who think celebrating Christmas is a sin. Of course it is - that's why it's fun! Peace.

 

Pat Condell