Yquotes.com

 

I went to the Home Depot yesterday, which was unnecessary; I need to go to the Apartment Depot. It's just a bunch of guys standing around going, "Hey, we ain't gotta fix shit."

 

Mitch Hedberg

» Mitch Hedberg - all quotes »

Similar quotes

 

See, look, uh, I—I know I'm homophobic, but not about gay guys. They don't bother me at all. It's straight guys who don't know they're gay. They f**k my shit right up. Like a guy calls me up and says, "A bunch of us guys are gonna sit around in our underwear and watch the football game and drink beer and eat chips and, you know, maybe wrestle with each other a little—you know, just us guys. You wanna come over?" And I'm like, "No."

 

John S. Hall

 

My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this f**king song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"

 

Chris Rock

 

I gave a LOT of unnecessary head. And I know that guys are going to argue with me about this. "Oh, Margaret, there's no such thing as unnecessary head! All head is necessary! All head is wanted and needed in the world. I run a home for unnecessary head."

 

Margaret Cho

 

James Burford, collier and fitter, was the oldest soldier of all. When I first spoke to him in the trenches, he said: "Excuse me, sir, will you explain what this here arrangement is on the side of my rifle?" "That's the safety catch. Didn't you do a musketry-course at the depôt?" "No, sir, I was a re-enlisted man, and I spent only a fortnight there. The old Lee-Metford didn't have no safety-catch." I asked him when he had last fired a rifle. "In Egypt in 1882," he said. "Weren't you in the South African War?" "I tried to re-enlist, but they told me I was too old, sir... My real age is sixty-three."

 

Robert Graves

 

If marriage didn't exist, would you invent it? Would you go "Baby, this shit we got together, it's so good we gotta get the government in on this shit. We can't just share this commitment 'tweenst us. We need judges and lawyers involved in this shit, baby. It's hot!"

 

Doug Stanhope