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I think Pringles' original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "F**k it, cut em up!"

 

Mitch Hedberg

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"We have a little emergency here....We were boiling some potatoes and we dip them in vaseline, and shoot them at each other, and Peter was looking back making sure it was lined up with his ass, and it shot him right in the f**king eye!!"( from "Tennis Ball Machine")

 

Jerky Boys

 

My first marriage ended in divorce because my wife thought that I had cheated on her...and I did, and I'll tell you why. When you enter into a monogamous relationship with someone you agree to not have sex with anyone else, ever—for-f**kin'-ever—but...when that person decides they're not going to have sex altogether, you find yourself in quite a pickle. I was doing a show in Columbus, Ohio, and I haven't gotten laid in 3 months. 3 MONTHS! You can't go 3 months without having sex with me. I'll go have sex with somebody else. I know, I've seen me do it. After the show, this gorgeous woman comes up to me, about mid-30's, long black dress, slit up to her waist, GORGEOUS. And she says to me, "I thought you were funny, I would like to buy you a drink." I was like, "Naw, I can't do that, I'm married." And she says, "I didn't ask if you wanted to f**k, big boy. I asked if you would like to come have a drink at my place."...Alright. Now, you know of that little guy that stands on your shoulder and reminds you of your prior commitments and moral fortitude? Well, I didn't hear a peep out of that guy. He hadn't been laid in 3 months, either. He was quiet for about 30 minutes then he went, "Suck her titty!" I'm like, "I was gonna!" I was having a 3-way with my conscience. 10 minutes after, he was right back at his post, saying, "That was wrong, mister!" I was like, "Hey! 15 minutes ago, you were beating off on my shoulder, monkey boy!" I hate him. He smokes pot. He burned a hole in my other jacket.

 

Ron White

 

Movies make hash of the schoolmarm’s approach of how well the artist fulfilled his intentions. Whatever the original intention of the writers and director, it is usually supplanted, as the production gets under way, by the intention to make money — and the industry judges the film by how well it fulfills that intention. But if you could see the "artist’s intentions" you’d probably wish you couldn’t anyway. Nothing is so deathly to enjoyment as the relentless march of a movie to fulfill its obvious purpose. This is, indeed, almost a defining characteristic of the hack director, as distinguished from an artist.

 

Pauline Kael