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Elin Nordegren could not be happier. How many girls here would trade places with her in a second? Where do I sign? First of all, she doesn't have to bang him (Tiger Woods) anymore! And she's probably gonna get, like $500 million! So they keep getting these pictures of her with the two kids, and she's just laughing all the way to the bank...haaa haaa haaa haaa...heugen fleugen heugen fleugen...hjorda fjorda hjorda fjorda...

 

Kathy Griffin

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L.A. is a nightmare place, man. You'll always meet this one guy out in L.A, you always – this real smarmy guy. He always says this: "Yeah, I love calling back east January 1. 'What are all you doin'? Snowed in, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm out by the pool! Ha ha ha haaa!'" What a dick this guy is. It's why I used to love to call L.A. when I lived in New York: "What are y'all doin'? Talking to TV producers, huh? Bummer. Me? I'm reading a book! Yeah, we're thinkin' back East. Yeah, we're evolving. Is that the Big One I hear in the background? Bye, you lizard scum! Bye!" [whoosh] Ha ha ha ha! It's gone, it's gone, it's gone. It's gone. All the shitty shows are gone, all the idiots screamin' in the f**kin' wind are dead, I love it. Leaving nothing but a cool, beautiful serenity called … Arizona Bay. Ha ha ha! That's right. When L.A. falls in the f**kin' ocean and is flushed away, all it will leave is Arizona Bay.

 

Bill Hicks

 

GG Allin: Nobody will stop me 'cause I'm the true underground messiah. When you come to my show you're going to a war and I'm out for violence, chaos, lawlessness all the way. I don't care about anybody or anything except myself and my mission and your kids out there, if you got kids out there they're gonna be my kids. I'm gonna own those kids. They're gonna do anything that I say.

 

GG Allin

 

I think that Elin Jones made the point that that ?450 million could have gone on health or anything else, but obviously the issue is that if you had another ?450 million from somewhere else, you have got another ?450 million, but what does that tell you? That is like saying, if my aunty was a bloke, she would be my uncle.

 

Rhodri Morgan

 

I don't think we care anymore about what we're gonna do. We're just gonna be our own band and we're not gonna pretend to be any more rock or any less whatever than we are. We're kinda hardcore kids, we're kinda a metal band in this weird way, we're kinda into soul, we're kinda into folk, we're kinda into a lot of stuff and we're just gonna do whatever we do.

 

Patrick Stump

 

I'm gonna try telling you this story. This happened on Tuesday. I was riding in a car with two dogs and my wife, and the wife said, "I need to stop at the bank," and I said, "Shit," or whatever the hell I said, because I don't like going to the bank, everybody knows that, I stay in the car with the dogs. My wife said, "I'll be back in 5 minutes," but there's no such thing as 5 minutes with this woman. And my dogs need to pee, and at our bank there's one piece of manicured lawn on the property, with two signs that both say "No Dogs", so I take my dogs over there. A guy comes out with a big scowl on his face and he says, "The sign says no dogs!" I'm like, "Well, the sign's wrong. It should say, 'two dogs'."

 

Ron White