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after throwing the defendant and his witness out of the courtroom: I have other things to do today. I have to get home! [points to her wristwatch] JUDGE JUDY IS ON!!! [audience laughs]

 

Judith Sheindlin

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Judy: [after catching defendant in a lie; he admitted that he was living with his witness when a few moments earlier he had said he wasn't] PERFECT! So now you're living back together again. And why, Nick, did you feel as if it was necessary to lie to me a moment ago?
Defendant: I... have been staying in Minneapolis every now and then... but I... didn't mean to lie to you.
Judy: There's another reason, Nick.
Defendant: There's no reason to lie. I'm sorry.
Judy: Well...
Defendant's Witness: Not many people know that he is staying there with me.
Judy: Now ten million people know that he's staying with you. [Audience laughs]

 

Judith Sheindlin

 

Judy: [yelling at defendant, who is being sued for bleaching plaintiff's clothes and has just cursed at plaintiff in court] LISTEN TO ME!!! Where do you think you are? You think you're on Springer? [audience laughs] You're NOT! You're NOT! You wanna go to a therapist, go someplace else---
Defendant: No, I don't need a therapist.
Judy: Listen to me!
Defendant: I don't need to see a therapist... [continues trying to talk over Judy]
Judy: Only one person is going to have--only one... judgment for the plaintiff in the amount of $5000! Your counterclaim is dismissed!
Defendant: Excuse me? No! What about my computer? But what about my computer? But what about my computer?
Judy: [getting up to walk off the set] That's all. Your counterclaim is dismissed.
Defendant: ...and you just gonna walk away like that? That don't even make no sense! What about my computer, I don't get no chance to say nothin'...
Judy: [over defendant's continued protests] I told you - I told you: it's my playpen, I have the word. Goodbye, go someplace else!

 

Judith Sheindlin

 

Judy: (to defendant, who took 17 purses and 21 belts from the plaintiff to sell on consignment, and was being sued because the plaintiff never got her money or the merchandise back) Where are they? [referring to merchandise]
Defendant: I couldn't sell them, and...
Judy: So what did you do with them?
Defendant: I threw them away.
Judy: Well then, you're the dumbest thing that I've seen all day! What do you mean, you threw 'em away? You think that I believe that? That's what you wrote in your answer. I said, "I have to see the person who says to me..." [audience laughs] "...that I couldn't sell them so I threw 'em away." You think that I believe that? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!
Defendant: I couldn't sell them---
Judy: Why would you want to tell ten million people - how stupid a response that you could make up in your head and expect somebody to believe!!!

 

Judith Sheindlin

 

Judy: [to Byrd] Put him outside.
Byrd: Put who outside?
Judy: [points to defendant] Him.
Byrd: Him?
Judy: Him.
Defendant: [muttering under his breath as he is escorted out of court] Oh, man. The story of my life.
Judy: [to plaintiff] Mr. Britton's fifteen minutes of fame is over.

 

Judith Sheindlin

 

Judy: Listen to me very carefully, sir. I don't want you to give me the Dumb Routine. Do you know what I'm talking about? If you're dumb, I'll know you're dumb. If you give me the dumb routine, I know it's a dumb routine.
Defendant: Yes, ma'am.
Judy: I know the difference, Mr. Carey. Do you understand that?
Defendant: [grinning] Yes, ma'am.
Judy: Okay, very good. Now we understand each other, sir. Believe me, by the time this is over you're not gonna be smiling.

 

Judith Sheindlin