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We know that more than 70 to 80% of women masturbate, and 90% of men masturbate, and the rest lie.
--
Penn & Teller: Bullshit!, "Abstinence" [4.10], 5 June 2006

 

Joycelyn Elders

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Girls love their showers, they spend like twelve hours in there. I know why too, I read in Cosmo. It said that, "Eighty three percent of all women masturbate in the shower." That's wonderful. I can't masturbate in the shower cause my legs give out and then I rip down the shower curtain. And then my Mom gets mad. And I have to go to bed without dinner. I masturbated in the car once. That's a cry for help. I wouldn't do it again, though, 'cause the cab driver got really pissed off. I was like, "I'm sorry sir, all I saw was the non-smoking sign."

 

Mitch Fatel

 

I masturbate! I do it like I think if I keep doing it, I'm gonna win something.

 

Dave Attell

 

"Were there really this many women in 1985 saying to their husbands, "Gee, honey, I'd love to have random strangers masturbate to a jpeg image of me deepthroating a titanium dildo, but there's no medium for that. Guess we'll have to watch 'Falcon Crest.' "

 

Chuck Klosterman

 

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. Sometimes I light a candle...then I try and shoot it out. It's like a carnival.

 

Dave Attell

 

Flowers for $25.00, reluctant. Wining and dining for $150.00, catastrophic. Trying to get on first base, unattainable. For everything else there's Masturbate.

 

Jay London