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"Pull yourself together," said the Voice, "for you have to do the job I've chosen for you."
--
Chapter 9: Mr. Thomas Marvel

 

H. G. Wells (Herbert George)

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Those guys [in the Persian Gulf War] were in hog heaven, man. They had a weapons catalog, "What's G-12 do, Tommy?" "Says here it destroys everything but the fillings in their teeth, helps pay for the war effort." Well, shit, pull that one up!" "Pull up G-12, please." [sound of a missile launch, several beats, then an explosion]] "...Cool. What's G-13 do?"

 

Bill Hicks

 

Three years ago, I bought a Beetle, not even thinking. [Audience laughs some] That's not the joke, shut up. I wasn't thinking, I bought the car, because it was affordable, economical, brand-new freakin' Beetle for $17,000. I was, like, "AHHH!" First new car, you know? I go to show it off at my friend Martin's house. I pull up, like, [Imitates car driving, then brakes screeching] "MARTEEEEEEEEEN!" He lives in the 'hood, I don't get out of the car. Across the street, there are these gang members, the kind of gang members that, they don't get into any gunfights, they just sit on the porch and talk alot of smack. And from across the street, I hear this. I was like, "MARTEEEEEEN!" Behind me, I hear, "Oralé!" [Looks behind] "Hey, what's up guys, hows it going?" "How did you get in there, essé?" [Gives an embarassed/angered look] "HURRY UP, MARTIN!" 2 months later, I come back to pick him up and I've had some time to work on the car. I put some rims on it, some stickers on it, I put a chip in the motor that makes it go faster, right? I thought I was bad, right? So I pull up, [Imitates car driving, tires screeching, and the moter reving] "MARTEEEEEN!" [Gesturing to the voice behind him] "Oralé!" [Gabriel shakes his head] Uh uh, I'm not turning around. "HEY!" Mmm-mm. "Hey!" I don't see you! "Yoo-hoo!" [Growls and turns around] WHAT?! "Check it out, it's the Fat and the Furious!"

 

Gabriel Iglesias

 

My son's got two words: "car" and "map", that's all he can say. [baby voice] "Car, car, map, car!" [normal voice] I'm fairly worried he's trying to escape. So if the next word is "passport," we're in serious trouble.

 

Michael McIntyre

 

"Wait," she gasps.
"What?" I moan, puzzled but almost there.
"Luis is a despicable twit," she gasps, trying to push me out of her.
"Yes," I say, leaning on top of her, tonguing her ear. "Luis is a despicable twit. I hate him too," and now, spurred on by her disgust for her wimp boyfriend, I start moving faster, my climax approaching.
"No, you idiot," she groans. "I said Is it a receptacle tip? Not 'Is Luis a despicable twit.' Is it a receptacle tip? Get off me."
"Is what a what? I moan.
"Pull out," she groans, struggling.
"I'm ignoring you," I say, moving my mouth down on her small perfect nipples, both of them stiff, sitting on hard, big tits.
"Pull out, goddamnit!" she screams.
"What do you want, Courtney?" I grunt, slowing my thrusts down until I finally straighten up and then I'm just kneeling over her, my cock still half inside. She hunches back against the headboard and my dick slides out.

 

Bret Easton Ellis

 

He said "I'll punch your head!" I said "Whose?" He said "Yours!"
I said "Mine?" He said "Yes!" I said "Oh?"
He said "Want a fight?" I said "Who?" He said "You!"
I said "Me?" He said "Yes!" I said "No!"
So we then came to words, he said "You're a cad!"
I said "Cad?" He said "Yes!" I said "Who?"
He said "Who?" I said "Yes." He said "You!" I said "Oh!"
So of course then I knew.

 

Robb Wilton