I'm kinda looking forward to being old, you know really really old, so that I can lean over in a restaurant with my son or daughter and say: "You know what I just did? I just pissed myself, you deal with it, then carry on telling me about you job or divorce or whatever the f**k it is, I’m not really listening to you to be honest, which one are you Siobhan or Simon? I can never tell."
--
On getting old.Dylan Moran
We could walk into a Chinese restaurant right here in Chicago. And the waiter could have been born here, raised here, went to college here, he has never left the city limits. I'm the idiot that walks in that restaurant and goes [in exaggerated Chinese] "Uh, yes. I'll have fried rice. Egg roll..." And you can see him go "I am so going to spit in your food, I swear to God." And it drives my daughter crazy. 'Cause she goes "why do you do that? That is so insulting to them!"
Bill Engvall
[about Fear Factor] Every now and then I'll be right in the middle of it and just go "What the f**k am I doing? There's a girl with a mouthful of animal dicks, and I'm telling her 'you can get more in there', and she's listening to me. That's my job? Oh, my guidance counselor owes me a f**king apology. That dude lacked vision."
Joe Rogan
"Will you be wanting to contest the divorce?" I asked Mrs. Davis.
"I should think not," she said calmly, "although I suppose on of us should, for the fun of the thing. An uncontested divorce always seems to me contrary to the spirit of divorce."Donald Barthelme
Moran, Dylan
Moravia, Alberto
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