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When you're born, you have a finger up your nose, the other hand on your dick, and you get taller. And that is really it.

 

Dylan Moran

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[Rock Hudson] was on his deathbed, going, "It was that last f**king dick... god DAMN it, why did I suck it, WHY DID I SUCK IT!?!? I was ahead of the game, Mister! Million of dicks, never had a problem before--dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck; dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck. Never had a problem--IT WAS THAT LAST GODDAMN DICK!!!"

 

Sam Kinison

 

Arise Evans had a fungous nose, and said, it was revealed to him, that the King's hand would cure him, and at the first coming of King Charles II into St. James's Park, he kissed the King's hand, and rubbed his nose with it; which disturbed the King, but cured him.

 

John Aubrey

 

This presidential race is the biggest dick contest in history. "Your dick is indecisive!" "Your dick started an unnecessary war!" "Your dick didn't get injured enough in Vietnam!" "Your dick didn't even go to Vietnam!" "Your dick is soft on terrorism!" "Your dick started terrorism!" "Your dick blamed Vietnam vets for atrocities that made all vets unable to come home to a hero's welcome." "Your dick forged its way out of military service!" Has this kind of dick-waggling happened before outside of a pro-wrestling context?

 

Margaret Cho

 

Let most men have a finger, and they will have the whole hand before you know. Let a clan chief have a finger, and he will have the entire arm.

 

Robert Jordan

 

You'd have done her. You'd have been just like JFK, you'd have been there in the Oval Office, Marilyn across the desk, your dick up her ass, lookin' out at the Washington Monument going, "you know, it doesn't get much better than this, doesn't it? President of the United States, dick in Marilyn Monroe, my finger on the f**king button telling the f**king Russians to get their missiles out of Cuba in twelve hours. IT DOESN'T GET BETTER THAN THIS!"

 

Sam Kinison