People suck, and that's my contention. I can prove it on a scratch paper and pen. Give me a f**king Etch-a-sketch, I'll do it in three minutes. The proof, the fact, the factorum. I'll show my work, case closed. I'm tired of this back-slapping "Aren't humanity neat?" bullshit. We're a virus with shoes, okay? That's all we are.
Bill Hicks
I know well that many of my readers do not think as I do. This also is most natural and confirms the theorem. For although my opinion turn out erroneous, there will always remain the fact that many of those dissentient readers have never given five minutes' thought to this complex matter. How are they going to think as I do? But by believing that they have a right to an opinion on the matter without previous effort to work one out for themselves, they prove patently that they belong to that absurd type of human being which I have called the "rebel mass." It is precisely what I mean by having one's soul obliterated, hermetically closed. Here it would be the special case of intellectual hermetism.
Jose Ortega y Gasset
It is fashionable to wax apocalyptic about the threat to humanity posed by the AIDS virus, "mad cow" disease, and many others, but I think a case can be made that faith is one of the world's great evils, comparable to the smallpox virus but harder to eradicate.
Richard Dawkins
My first marriage ended in divorce because my wife thought that I had cheated on her...and I did, and I'll tell you why. When you enter into a monogamous relationship with someone you agree to not have sex with anyone else, ever—for-f**kin'-ever—but...when that person decides they're not going to have sex altogether, you find yourself in quite a pickle. I was doing a show in Columbus, Ohio, and I haven't gotten laid in 3 months. 3 MONTHS! You can't go 3 months without having sex with me. I'll go have sex with somebody else. I know, I've seen me do it. After the show, this gorgeous woman comes up to me, about mid-30's, long black dress, slit up to her waist, GORGEOUS. And she says to me, "I thought you were funny, I would like to buy you a drink." I was like, "Naw, I can't do that, I'm married." And she says, "I didn't ask if you wanted to f**k, big boy. I asked if you would like to come have a drink at my place."...Alright. Now, you know of that little guy that stands on your shoulder and reminds you of your prior commitments and moral fortitude? Well, I didn't hear a peep out of that guy. He hadn't been laid in 3 months, either. He was quiet for about 30 minutes then he went, "Suck her titty!" I'm like, "I was gonna!" I was having a 3-way with my conscience. 10 minutes after, he was right back at his post, saying, "That was wrong, mister!" I was like, "Hey! 15 minutes ago, you were beating off on my shoulder, monkey boy!" I hate him. He smokes pot. He burned a hole in my other jacket.
Ron White
[Rock Hudson] was on his deathbed, going, "It was that last f**king dick... god DAMN it, why did I suck it, WHY DID I SUCK IT!?!? I was ahead of the game, Mister! Million of dicks, never had a problem before--dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck; dick, dick, dick, suck, suck, suck. Never had a problem--IT WAS THAT LAST GODDAMN DICK!!!"
Sam Kinison
Y'know, every time in America some guy gets caught cheating, every media outlet does the same story: "Why Do Men Cheat?" Oh, take a wild f**king guess, would you? I think you're over-thinking this. They're not looking for fantasy, they're looking for...sex. That's it! They want sex. And not just sex; they want new sex. The way women want new shoes. Right? You have shoes, they're perfectly good shoes, you don't want those shoes, you want new shoes. We want a person, you want a shoe and somehow you're morally superior.
Bill Maher
Hicks, Bill
Hicks, Esther
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