There's some serious pockets of humanity in this country. Go to any of these truck stops in the middle of nowhere, you meet some serious folk, man. Order coffee, the guy behind the counter goes, "You want the 32-ounce or the large?" Geez, how big is that large? "You'll wanna pull your car around back. I'll start the pump". That's a lot of f**king coffee, I don't know if I want to be awake that long in Tennessee.
Bill Hicks
I understand when men complain about women giving mixed messages, because women have given me a lot of mixed messages. I understand the rage that this can cause. ... A woman I'm talking with at some event says, "Let's leave here and go to this bar," which is a lesbian bar. We go to the bar and we're talking and then she says, "Let's go have coffee," and we go to this coffee shop and end up, at three in the morning, half a block from her apartment. Finally, she says, "All right, well, goodnight." She's ready to go home alone and I look at her, like, "What do you mean? Aren't we going to go back to your apartment?" "No." "What?" And she says, "Do you think I was leading you on?" Un-f**king-believable. I can't tell you the rage. I am, at that point, looking at her and.... All I can say is, if I had been an 18-year-old street kid instead of a 45-year-old woman, I would have stabbed her. I was completely humiliated and furious. If I had been a guy with a hard-on, I would have hit her.
Camille Paglia
And I'll tell you something, too, that's starting to annoy me about UFOs: the fact that they cross galaxies or universes to visit us, and always end up in places like … Fyffe f**king Alabama. Maybe these aren't super-intelligent beings, you know what I mean? "Don't you wanna go to New York or LA?" "Nah, we just had a long trip, we're gonna kick back and whittle some." Oh my god, they're idiots. We're gonna enter our mothership in the tractor pull!" Last thing I wanna see is some flying saucer up on blocks in front of some trailer, bumper sticker on it, "They'll get my raygun when they pry my cold, dead, eighteen-fingered hand off it!"
Bill Hicks
I've got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying "No". So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say "no" to. "Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have 3 settings? Liar!" My fan f**king lied to me. Now I will pull the pin up. Now you ain't sayin' shit.
Mitch Hedberg
Hicks, Bill
Hicks, Esther
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