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What a classy plane this is. I can almost hear the cellophane flapping in the windowframes.

 

Warren Ellis

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And they ask me, "Well, is it alright if we let the drug-sniffing dog walk along the outside of the plane?" I said, "That's fine," and the dog walks back and forth a few times, and the cop says, "Well, the dog gave us the signal there are drugs on the plane," and I was like, "...No, he didn't! That dog didn't do anything, I was starting straight at him! He didn't wink, blink, woof, or paw. What's his signal, a blank stare? [Mimes a blank stare] That's all he did!" And the cop says, "Well, the dog gave us the signal there are drugs on the plane," And I said, "Well I said there are no drugs on the plane. Who are you going to believe, me or...Ah, f**k it, whatever." It takes them an hour and a half to search this plane, and I'm standing there going, "Oh, come on!" And of course there are no drugs on the plane, and I think that's it, and then the cop goes, "Now that dog needs to sniff that bag you have with you," and I was like, [Scooby Doo voice] "Ruh Roh!" They found 7/8 of a gram of marijuana in my bag. I consider myself OUT of marijuana when I have 7/8 of a gram. That's no weed.

 

Ron White

 

As you may have known, I got myself into a bit of trouble lately. [audience cheers] And I'll tell you what happened. I was heading down to Florida to do a show, and I flew in on a private jet that you guys bought me. Thank you. It's niiice. We landed in Vero Beach, Florida, and there were cops waiting for me, and cops love me, so do firemen. Sometimes they will escort me from the airport to the venue, and this...wasn't one of those times. The cop came to me and said, "Mr. White, we have been told there are drugs on this plane by an anonymous tip." I said, "There are absolutely no drugs on the plane." I did have a bit of weed in my bag, but it's not on the plane, so technically I'm not lying. And the cop says, "Well, may we search the plane?" I said, "You may absolutely not search this plane unless you have probable cause," because I still have civil liberties, you know what I mean? [Audience cheers] I do.

 

Ron White

 

So rare,
You're like the sparkle of old champagne;
Orchids in cellophane
Couldn't compare to you.

 

Gus Arnheim

 

Wanda Sykes: Now come on, that sounds like something from a Harrison Ford movie. That just shows you how much money they are being paid by insurance lobbies. Nobody says crazy stuff like that for real. That's made up! You get paid to play a role like that. When they say stuff like that, you know what I hear? 'Enough is enough! I have had it with these [blanketyblanking] snakes on this [blanketyblanking] plane!' That's what I hear. It's crazy. They're movie lines.

 

Virginia Foxx

 

You're the purple light of a summer night in Spain. You're the National Gallery; you're Garbo's Salary; you're cellophane!

 

Greta Garbo